Laugh Lines

Get in line

The public safety officer came up to a large mob of people outside a department store and asked, “What’ s happening?”

A mall officer replied , “The se

Lisa Denton people are waiting to get the new Barbie doll.”

The public safety officer nodded knowingly and said, “Who can resist a Barbie queue?”

Medical oddities

Sometimes what was meant for the medical chart doesn’t exactly make it. These are said to be actual notations.

› The patient refused autopsy.

› The patient has no previous history of suicides.

› Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

› Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40- pound weight gain in the past three days.

› She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

› Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

› On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

› The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

› The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

› Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

› Healthy- appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

› Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

› She is numb from her toes down.

› While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

› The skin was moist and dry.

› Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

› Patient was alert and unresponsive.

› Rectal examination revealed a normal- size thyroid.

› She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

› I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy

› Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

› Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

› The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

› Skin: somewhat pale but present.

› The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

› Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

› Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

› When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

› The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

› Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

› She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

› Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

› The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

› By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

On the radio

The new refrigerator was taller than the old one, so the husband told his wife he’d have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.

Not wanting to mess it up, he called the home-fixit program on a local radio station for advice.

He was in the middle of getting the instructions when his wife burst into the room.

“You won’t believe this,” she said, “but there’s a guy on the radio with the same problem!”

A creation story

On the first day, God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 years, and I’ll give back the other 40.” God agreed. On t he second day, God created t he dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years.”

The dog said,. “That’s too long to be barking. Give me 10 years, and I’ll give back the other 10.” God agreed. On the third day, God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a 20-year life span.”

Monkey said, “How boring. Monkey tricks for 20 years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back 10, so that’s what I’ll do too. OK?”

God agreed. On the fourth day, God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you 20 years.”

Man said, “What? Only 20 years? No way, man. Tell you what, I’ll take my 20, plus the 40 the cow gave back and the 10 the dog gave back and the 10 the monkey gave back. That makes 80, OK?”

“OK,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”

So that is why for the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy and do nothing. For the next 40 years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Financial dealings

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the j ob prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”