Hol­i­day Q&A

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - PUNCHLINES -

The wits at Buz­zFeed.com of­fer this list of big ques­tions (circa 2013, but still rel­e­vant) they deem to be the 17 Es­sen­tial Charts That You Need To Sur­vive the Hol­i­days.

› Do you know how to keep your hol­i­days from be­ing mis­er­able?

If no: You should prob­a­bly read th­ese. If yes: No, you don’t.

› Should you get a flight home that has a lay­over?

Ask your­self: Has it ever snowed in your lay­over city?

If no: Pro­ceed with cau­tion.

If yes: Pro­ceed only if you’d pre­fer spend­ing the hol­i­days stuck with strangers in­stead of stuck with your fam­ily.

› Should you bring

your new sig­nif­i­cant other home to meet your fam­ily?

Ask your­self: Is your fam­ily start­ing to think that you have an imag­i­nary SO?

If no: Don’t bring them if you’re liv­ing in sin; will make Grandma cry.

If yes: You might be a bit over­due.

› Should you talk to your drunk Un­cle Kevin?

Ask your­self: Does Un­cle Kevin Lisa Den­ton want to talk about any­thing be­sides Oba­macare?

If no: Make him Dad’s prob­lem.

If yes: Bring up any sport ex­cept soc­cer. › Should you get a Christ­mas tree? Ask your­self: Is it still go­ing to be in your liv­ing room on Valen­tine’s Day? No: Go for it! Yes: Maybe just hang your or­na­ments on a pile of dirty laun­dry. › Should you buy a present for this per­son? Ask your­self: Would they visit you if you ended up in the hospi­tal?

If no: Don’t throw away your money.

If yes: Buy some­thing, un­less you want to throw away the friend­ship.

› Should you of­fer to cook the hol­i­day din­ner?

Ask your­self: Have you ever given your­self food poi­son­ing?

If no: At least take the bat­ter­ies out of the smoke de­tec­tor first.

If yes: Put your­self on dish duty. › Should you make cook­ies? Ask your­self: Do you al­ready have cook­ies you are hav­ing trou­ble get­ting rid of? If no: Make cook­ies. If yes: Make cook­ies any­way. › Should you send hol­i­day cards? Ask your­self: Are you only do­ing this to get out of talk­ing to your rel­a­tives?

If no: Call them in­stead. They miss you. If yes: Well played. ›

Should you bring al­co­hol to your fam­ily din­ner?

Ask your­self: Do you have some­thing bad to tell them?

If no: Bring just enough for your­self.

If yes: Bring enough for ev­ery­body. › Should you have an­other eggnog? Ask your­self: Have you told any chil­dren that Santa isn’t real? If no: Keep drink­ing. If yes: Switch to water.

› Should you stay with your par­ents or get a ho­tel?

Ask your­self: Are you also bring­ing home some­one you aren’t mar­ried to?

If no: En­joy shack­ing up in your old race-car bed.

If yes: Get a ho­tel room, you two.

› Should you hang out with your high school friends while you’re home? Ask your­self: Will you also have to hang out with your high school friends’ kids?

If no: Meet them at Ap­ple­bee’s.

If yes: Make up a pet. Pre­tend it is sick.

› Should you go to your of­fice hol­i­day party?

Ask your­self: Were you re­cently fired?

If no: Then you don’t re­ally have a choice.

If yes: Then you have a good ex­cuse to skip it.

› Should you say the bless­ing be­fore the hol­i­day meal?

Ask your­self: Are you go­ing to ac­ci­den­tally curse in the mid­dle of it?

If no: Then you’ll be fine.

If yes: Let Grandma do it.

› Should you get an­other Pump­kin Spice Latte? Ask your­self: Did you drop the last one be­cause your hands were shak­ing? If no: To Star­bucks! If yes: To Star­bucks, where you should ask to be banned from Star­bucks. › Should you have that ex­tra slice of pie? Ask your­self: Where are your fat pants?

If on your body: Eat the pie!

If in your closet: Maybe, like, half a slice.

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