The wits at BuzzFeed.com offer this list of big questions (circa 2013, but still relevant) they deem to be the 17 Essential Charts That You Need To Survive the Holidays.
› Do you know how to keep your holidays from being miserable?
If no: You should probably read these. If yes: No, you don’t.
› Should you get a flight home that has a layover?
Ask yourself: Has it ever snowed in your layover city?
If no: Proceed with caution.
If yes: Proceed only if you’d prefer spending the holidays stuck with strangers instead of stuck with your family.
› Should you bring
your new significant other home to meet your family?
Ask yourself: Is your family starting to think that you have an imaginary SO?
If no: Don’t bring them if you’re living in sin; will make Grandma cry.
If yes: You might be a bit overdue.
› Should you talk to your drunk Uncle Kevin?
Ask yourself: Does Uncle Kevin Lisa Denton want to talk about anything besides Obamacare?
If no: Make him Dad’s problem.
If yes: Bring up any sport except soccer. › Should you get a Christmas tree? Ask yourself: Is it still going to be in your living room on Valentine’s Day? No: Go for it! Yes: Maybe just hang your ornaments on a pile of dirty laundry. › Should you buy a present for this person? Ask yourself: Would they visit you if you ended up in the hospital?
If no: Don’t throw away your money.
If yes: Buy something, unless you want to throw away the friendship.
› Should you offer to cook the holiday dinner?
Ask yourself: Have you ever given yourself food poisoning?
If no: At least take the batteries out of the smoke detector first.
If yes: Put yourself on dish duty. › Should you make cookies? Ask yourself: Do you already have cookies you are having trouble getting rid of? If no: Make cookies. If yes: Make cookies anyway. › Should you send holiday cards? Ask yourself: Are you only doing this to get out of talking to your relatives?
If no: Call them instead. They miss you. If yes: Well played. ›
Should you bring alcohol to your family dinner?
Ask yourself: Do you have something bad to tell them?
If no: Bring just enough for yourself.
If yes: Bring enough for everybody. › Should you have another eggnog? Ask yourself: Have you told any children that Santa isn’t real? If no: Keep drinking. If yes: Switch to water.
› Should you stay with your parents or get a hotel?
Ask yourself: Are you also bringing home someone you aren’t married to?
If no: Enjoy shacking up in your old race-car bed.
If yes: Get a hotel room, you two.
› Should you hang out with your high school friends while you’re home? Ask yourself: Will you also have to hang out with your high school friends’ kids?
If no: Meet them at Applebee’s.
If yes: Make up a pet. Pretend it is sick.
› Should you go to your office holiday party?
Ask yourself: Were you recently fired?
If no: Then you don’t really have a choice.
If yes: Then you have a good excuse to skip it.
› Should you say the blessing before the holiday meal?
Ask yourself: Are you going to accidentally curse in the middle of it?
If no: Then you’ll be fine.
If yes: Let Grandma do it.
› Should you get another Pumpkin Spice Latte? Ask yourself: Did you drop the last one because your hands were shaking? If no: To Starbucks! If yes: To Starbucks, where you should ask to be banned from Starbucks. › Should you have that extra slice of pie? Ask yourself: Where are your fat pants?
If on your body: Eat the pie!
If in your closet: Maybe, like, half a slice.