Laugh Lines

Negotiations

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So God asked him, “What’s wrong with you?”

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, “This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

“She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.

“And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.

“She will praise you! “She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

“She will never have a headache and will freely give you love whenever you need it.”

“Wow,” said Adam. “What will a woman like this cost?”

God replied, “An arm and a leg.”

Adam said, “What can I get for a rib?”

Disappearing act

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business, and the other was named Trouble.

One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to 100. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars along the street until a police officer approached him and asked, “What are you doing?”

“Playing a game,” the boy replied.

“What is your name?” the officer asked.

“Mind Your Own Business.”

Furious, the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!”

The boy replied, “Why, yes.”

Frugal ape

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.”

The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, “This gorilla doesn’t know the prices of drinks” and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”

The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain’t coming back either.”

Airport signs

When a driver is dispatched to the airport in the movies, he might hold up a small sign with a last name to alert the unknown passenger that he’s there to provide transportation. In real life, when it’s someone you know returning from a trip, things get a little more creative. Here’s a sampling from the internet of how friends and families put a clever, sometimes embarrassing, spin on “welcome home.”

› I missed you so much that I made this sign. The dogs missed you so much, they ate our couch. Welcome home! No … seriously.

› Welcome home, Dad. Congrats on your new mail-order bride. Fifth time’s a charm.

› Welcome home from prison, Mom.

› Anna, I know it isn’t mine, but I’ll raise it as my own (by a neighbor who thought he was being funny).

› Guy who knocked up my sister (how the brother-in-law greeted his sister’s husband, who was deployed in the Air Force and was returning home for the birth of his child).

› Hey, I just met you & this is crazy but my name’s Harper & I’m your baby (for a soldier who’d been deployed since his wife’s pregnancy).

› Prepare to be de-briefed (from a very excited military wife).

› Dominatrix pickup point.

› Go back to California, Jody. We hate you (by the younger brother).

› Tom, will you marry me? (it’s how he picks his straight friends up from the airport).

› Mr. Hugh Jarse (think about it).

› Sarah, I have the Imodium you asked for.

› Smokin’ hot Italian chick (he picked up his wife in front of her boss and co-workers).

› Welcome to Canada, Katie! Took you long enough, eh?

› Loose Women (by a guy who should at least get an A for effort).

› Mumsy, welcome home (the daughter’s sign). Wifey, the house is a mess (the husband’s sign).

› Noisy, pale-faced lady.

› Welcome home, Mommy. P.S. We are out of underwear. We don’t even have any on right now (from her two young sons).

› Welcome home from rehab.

› Warning: Our grandma is coming. We will run over you to hug her.

› Douglas of the clan McGregor (for the return from Scotland).

› Welcome to Florida (how one woman’s family greeted her … in Seattle).

› The 2 hottest guys at this airport (from their female roommate).

› Welcome home, Mom and Dad. We’re out of cereal (from an adult son in his pajamas).

› Welcome back to America. No wall can keep us apart (take that, ICE).

Freebies

A woman saw a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free french fries.

“Sounds great,” she said and ordered some.

She watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.

“Wait a minute,” the woman said. “Those don’t look fat-free.”

“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!”

Comic wisdom

› I was reading in the paper that a lot of kids in the United States are suffering from depression. Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty. — Maria Bramford

› My mom is very religious, and she said, “Whatever you think about all the time, that’s what you worship.” If that’s the case, I’d like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to Page 37 of their People magazines. — Maria Bramford

Lisa Denton