Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow
Laugh Lines
Light bulbs, part 2
After seeing last week’s series of light-bulb jokes for various Christian denominations, a couple of readers sent additions.
Richard Zachary was left wondering where the light-bulb jokes for Jews were. He offered a “sorta related” one:
› How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s OK, son. I’ll just sit here in the dark.
Then he went looking on the internet and found these:
› How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb? Thirty — one to change the bulb and 29 to discuss it and give contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.
› How many Reform Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
Change it? Who wants to change it? We just want to improve it!
› How many Orthodox Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
What is a light bulb?
› How many Orthodox Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
Change? One to do it and two [minimum] to testify that it was properly changed.
› How many Conservative Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
None, call a committee meeting.
An anonymous contributor offered takes on two denominations, one about light bulbs, one about another subject entirely.
› How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you mean change the light bulb? My grandmother gave that light bulb to the church!
› Why do Baptists not copulate while standing up?
They’re afraid they’ll be accused of dancing.
More practice
A newly retired man decided that to fill his time he would entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals with his portable keyboard.
At his first stop, he told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides. When he finished with one elderly patient, he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
The patient replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
Parlez-vous Francais?
Two American men are touring Europe and arrive in France early Sunday morning. Finding most places still closed, one suggests to the other, “Why don’t we attend Mass at one of the cathedrals?”
“Sure,” replies his friend. “But we don’t know how the French pray, and we can’t speak French!”
The first guy thinks of a solution. “We’ll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we’ll do.”
His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front and choose a guy.
Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues.
By the time 45 minutes pass, they’ve gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well.
The church bursts into hard laughter.
Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two American men leave in embarrassment. But they’re curious about what has happened, so they wait for the Mass to end and then approach the priest, who speaks English.
“We didn’t mean to interrupt the service,” one explains. “We don’t speak French, so we just chose a guy to imitate while praying.”
The priest chuckles. “Ah. So you’re wondering why everyone laughed at you.” “Yes,” they say. “Well, you see, I announced the baptism of a child … and asked for the father of the child to stand up.”
Free drinks
A man enters a bar, and the bartender asks, “What’ll you have?”
The man answers, “A scotch on the rocks please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be $5.”
“What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this,” the man replies.
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he has a point there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender, now ticked off, says to the guy, “OK, you beat me for this one. But don’t ever come back here again!”
A few days later, the same man walks into the bar.
The bartender says, “What do you think you’re doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The man says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. I feel like you were here a few days ago. You must have a double.”
To which the man replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
Baby talk
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.”
“No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are cute.”
The husband said, “So what do you say to the others?”
The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”
Today’s special
John is starving. He’s stuck in a small, hick town, lost and hungry. Finally, he sees a small restaurant coming up on his right. He quickly pulls over, parks his car and goes inside.
Just inside the door is a blackboard with a menu written in yellow chalk. It reads: Today’s Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chicken and Grilled Vegetables.
“I’ll take the special,” John says to the waiter.
A few minutes after receiving his order, John is fuming mad and calls for the waiter. “IS THIS THE SPECIAL!?” he screams. “It says vegetable soup, BUT THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES! It says grilled vegetables, BUT THEY AREN’T GRILLED; THEY ARE BAKED!? And it says fried chicken, AND THE CHICKEN ISN’T FRIED!”
The waiter doesn’t take kindly to such rude behavior. “My dear man,” he says, looking down at John over his glasses, “that is what makes it so special.”