Laugh Lines

Scorchers

How hot is it?

› It’s so hot, chickens are laying omelets.

› It’s so hot, you can fry an egg on the sidewalk — and toast the English muffin too.

› It’s so hot, squirrels are picking up nuts with pot holders.

› It’s so hot, you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

› It’s so hot, trees are whistling for dogs.

› It’s so hot, your GPS keeps directing you to drive to Canada.

› It’s so hot, two hobbits just threw a ring in your yard.

› It’s so hot, hardware stores are selling thermometers with readings of Fahrenheit, Celsius and Holy Crap!

› It’s so hot, you can poach eggs in a swimming pool.

› It’s so hot, cows are giving powdered milk.

› It’s so hot, when you order chocolate milk, you get hot cocoa.

› It’s so hot, the thermometer is going up to “Are you kidding me?”

› It’s so hot that, by the time you get a loaf of bread home from the grocery store, it’s already toast.

› It’s so hot, your sweat sweats.

› It’s so hot, potatoes are baked when you harvest them.

› It’s so hot, you can no longer associate bridges with water.

› It’s so hot, you can roast marshmallows just by putting them on a stick.

› It’s so hot, you’ve learned that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

› It’s so hot, you discover it takes only two fingers to drive your car.

› It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95, you feel a little chilly.

› It’s so hot, hot water now comes out of both taps.

› It’s so hot, you discover asphalt has a liquid state.

› It’s so hot, you have four seconds to eat a Popsicle.

› It’s so hot, your radiator is boiling over and you haven’t started the engine yet.

› It’s so hot, bakeries don’t have to turn on their ovens.

› It’s so hot, guys are hitting on girls out of their league just to get the cold shoulder.

› It’s so hot, the temperature in your house is 105 degrees, but your HVAC service guy says your air conditioner is functioning properly.

Tell one

Friday, Aug. 16, is National Tell a Joke Day. Here are 12 to get you started.

› What do horses say when they fall? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.

› What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.

› Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.

› What do you call fake spaghetti? Impasta.

› What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows.

› What does corn say when you give it a compliment? Aw shucks.

› What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

› How does a duck buy lipstick? She just puts it on her bill.

› What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

› Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

› Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

› What’s the difference between the bird flu and swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

Van Gogh family

It has recently come to light that artist Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Among his lesser-known relatives:

› The really obnoxious brother: Please Gogh

› The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stoppen Gogh

› His constipated uncle: Cant Gogh.

› His prune-loving uncle: Gotta Gogh

› His fruit-loving cousin: Man Gogh

› His sister who loves

disco: Go Gogh

› His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

› His bouncy little nephew: Poe Gogh

› His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

› The niece who travels the country: Winnie Bay Gogh

› An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh

› His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

Tricky dad

A teenage girl gets a text message from an unknown number: Hi! Do you have a boyfriend?

She replies: Yes, who are you?

Mystery texter: It’s your dad. [I’ll] be home this weekend, and we’ll talk!

Later, the girl gets a text from another unknown number: Hi, Do you have a bf [boyfriend]?

Girl: Not a chance. Who are you anyway?

Mystery texter: It’s your bf. Sucks to know that you’re not proud to be with me and be your bf. :(

Her: Sorry, babe. I thought you’re my dad. He texted me a while back asking the same question.

Mystery texter: Yes, it’s me, your dad. We’ll have a long talk this weekend.

TV time

› Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television? — Henny Youngman

› Remote controls are quite handy. They let you see that there’s nothing worth watching on TV a lot faster. — Melanie White

› I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it, can’t eat it, can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera: “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Goodbye.” — Jerry Seinfeld

› The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait — don’t run away!” — Dave Attell

Lisa Denton