Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow

Laugh Lines

- Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submission­s and websites. Origins are included when known.

From the world’s largest arts festival, UK website I News has picked 60 one-liners editors say deserved to win Funniest Joke at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. A sampling:

› “I can give you the cause of anaphylact­ic shock in a nutshell.” — Gary Delaney

› “I saw a documentar­y on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” — Stewart Francis

› “Crime in multistory car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” — Tim Vine

› “I picked up a hitchhiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.” — Emo Philips

› “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” — Gary Delaney

› “I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought, ‘This could be interestin­g.’” — Paddy Lennox

› “I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescend­ing.” — Jack Whitehall

› “I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” — Alexei Sayle

› “I’m looking for the girl-next-door type. I’m just gonna keep moving house to house till I find her.” — Lew Fitz

› “I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella.’ But he hesitated.” — Andy Field

› “I’m rubbish with names. It’s not my fault; it’s a condition. There’s a name for it …” — Jimeoin

› “I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at naming things in our house.” —Ed Byrne

› “Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidenc­es.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’” — Alasdair Beckett-King

› “A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.” — Angela Barnes

› “As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veggies are grocer.” — Adele Cliff

› “I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the ark.” — Adam Hess

› “Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home,’ yet when you put them in one …” — Stuart Mitchell

› “I’ve been happily married for four years — out of a total of 10.” — Mark Watson

› “Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an Ikea bed, which is mad because those places are really well lit.” — Mark Smith

› “Brexit is a terrible name; sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipate­d.” — Tiff Stevenson

› “I often confuse Americans and Canadians — by using long words.” — Gary Delaney

› “Is it possible to mistake schizophre­nia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” — Jordan Brookes

› “If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermis­ts, do not play dead.” — Olaf Falafel

› “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” — Arthur Smith

› “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” — Zoe Lyons

› “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soy seems to be the hardest word.” — Phil Nicol

› “What’s the difference between a hippo and a ‘Zippo? One is really heavy; the other is a little lighter.” — Masai Graham

› “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.” — Mark Nelson

› “Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day.” — Tom Parry

› “If you don’t know what introspect­ion is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” — Ian Smith

› “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” — Tom Ward

› “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” — Ria Lina

› “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” — Paul F. Taylor

› “This show is about perception and perspectiv­e. But it depends how you look at it.” — Felicity Ward

› “I’m entering the world’s tightest hat competitio­n. Just hope I can pull it off.” — William Andrews

› “Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it the Great British Break Off?” — Alex Edelman

› “Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day.” — Christian Talbot

› “Someone stole my antidepres­sants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.” — Richard Stott

› “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.’” — Jake Lambert

› “A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it.” — Ross Smith

› “I accidental­ly booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it.” — Adele Cliff

Money matters

› Remember the Golden Rule: Those who have the gold make the rules.

› The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.

› Who was the world’s first stockbroke­r? Noah — he floated his stock while the world was in liquidatio­n.

› An investor to his adviser: Is all my money really gone? The adviser replies: Of course not. It’s just with somebody else.

› Money can’t buy you true love. It does, however, improve your bargaining position.

› Fred says: My wife’s purse was stolen the other day. It had all her credit cards in it. I was going to report it, but the thief is spending less than she was.

› If we really did profit from our mistakes, most of us would be extremely rich by now.

› Borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.

Bearly there

Bubba and Earl are on a hunting trip. Earl says, “Bubba, have you ever hunted bear?”

Bubba says, “No, but I went shooting in my shorts once.”

 ??  ?? Lisa Denton
Lisa Denton

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