Laugh Lines

Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow - - FRONT PAGE - Laugh Lines is com­piled from var­i­ous sources, in­clud­ing reader sub­mis­sions and web­sites. Ori­gins are in­cluded when known.

From the world’s largest arts fes­ti­val, UK web­site I News has picked 60 one-lin­ers edi­tors say de­served to win Fun­ni­est Joke at the Ed­in­burgh Fes­ti­val Fringe. A sam­pling:

› “I can give you the cause of ana­phy­lac­tic shock in a nut­shell.” — Gary De­laney

› “I saw a doc­u­men­tary on how ships are kept to­gether. Riv­et­ing!” — Stewart Fran­cis

› “Crime in mul­ti­story car parks. That is wrong on so many dif­fer­ent lev­els.” — Tim Vine

› “I picked up a hitch­hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.” — Emo Philips

› “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t af­ford a dog.” — Gary De­laney

› “I was watch­ing the Lon­don Marathon and saw one run­ner dressed as a chicken and an­other run­ner dressed as an egg. I thought, ‘This could be in­ter­est­ing.’” — Paddy Len­nox

› “I’m sure wher­ever my dad is, he’s look­ing down on us. He’s not dead, just very con­de­scend­ing.” — Jack White­hall

› “I’ve given up ask­ing rhetor­i­cal ques­tions. What’s the point?” — Alexei Sayle

› “I’m look­ing for the girl-next-door type. I’m just gonna keep mov­ing house to house till I find her.” — Lew Fitz

› “I like to imag­ine the guy who in­vented the um­brella was go­ing to call it the ‘brella.’ But he hes­i­tated.” — Andy Field

› “I’m rub­bish with names. It’s not my fault; it’s a con­di­tion. There’s a name for it …” — Jimeoin

› “I have two boys, 5 and 6. We’re no good at nam­ing things in our house.” —Ed Byrne

› “When­ever some­one says, ‘I don’t be­lieve in co­in­ci­dences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me nei­ther!’” — Alas­dair Beck­ett-King

› “A friend tricked me into go­ing to Wim­ble­don by telling me it was a men’s sin­gles event.” — An­gela Barnes

› “As a ve­gan, I think peo­ple who sell meat are dis­gust­ing; but ap­par­ently peo­ple who sell fruit and veg­gies are gro­cer.” — Adele Cliff

› “I won­der how many chameleons snuck onto the ark.” — Adam Hess

› “Why is it old peo­ple say ‘there’s no place like home,’ yet when you put them in one …” — Stu­art Mitchell

› “I’ve been hap­pily mar­ried for four years — out of a to­tal of 10.” — Mark Wat­son

› “Ap­par­ently one in three Bri­tons are con­ceived in an Ikea bed, which is mad be­cause those places are re­ally well lit.” — Mark Smith

› “Brexit is a ter­ri­ble name; sounds like ce­real you eat when you are con­sti­pated.” — Tiff Steven­son

› “I of­ten con­fuse Amer­i­cans and Cana­di­ans — by us­ing long words.” — Gary De­laney

› “Is it pos­si­ble to mis­take schizophre­nia for telepa­thy, I hear you ask.” — Jor­dan Brookes

› “If you’re be­ing chased by a pack of taxi­der­mists, do not play dead.” — Olaf Falafel

› “Back in the day, In­sta­gram just meant a re­ally ef­fi­cient drug dealer.” — Arthur Smith

› “I’ll tell you what’s un­nat­u­ral in the eyes of God. Con­tact lenses.” — Zoe Lyons

› “El­ton John hates or­der­ing Chi­nese food. Soy seems to be the hard­est word.” — Phil Ni­col

› “What’s the dif­fer­ence be­tween a hippo and a ‘Zippo? One is re­ally heavy; the other is a lit­tle lighter.” — Ma­sai Gra­ham

› “Je­sus fed 5,000 peo­ple with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a mir­a­cle. That’s ta­pas.” — Mark Nel­son

› “Red sky at night. Shep­herd’s de­light. Blue sky at night. Day.” — Tom Parry

› “If you don’t know what in­tro­spec­tion is, you need to take a long, hard look at your­self.” — Ian Smith

› “I usu­ally meet my girl­friend at 12:59 be­cause I like that one-to-one time.” — Tom Ward

› “I wanted to do a show about fem­i­nism. But my hus­band wouldn’t let me.” — Ria Lina

› “Money can’t buy you hap­pi­ness? Well, check this out, I bought my­self a Happy Meal.” — Paul F. Tay­lor

› “This show is about per­cep­tion and per­spec­tive. But it de­pends how you look at it.” — Felic­ity Ward

› “I’m en­ter­ing the world’s tight­est hat com­pe­ti­tion. Just hope I can pull it off.” — William An­drews

› “Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it the Great Bri­tish Break Off?” — Alex Edelman

› “Words can’t ex­press how much I hate World Emoji Day.” — Chris­tian Tal­bot

› “Some­one stole my an­tide­pres­sants. Who­ever they are, I hope they’re happy.” — Richard Stott

› “A cow­boy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.’” — Jake Lam­bert

› “A th­e­saurus is great. There’s no other word for it.” — Ross Smith

› “I ac­ci­den­tally booked my­self onto an es­capol­ogy course; I’m re­ally strug­gling to get out of it.” — Adele Cliff

Money mat­ters

› Re­mem­ber the Golden Rule: Those who have the gold make the rules.

› The mar­ket is weird. Ev­ery time one guy sells, an­other one buys, and they both think they’re smart.

› Who was the world’s first stock­bro­ker? Noah — he floated his stock while the world was in liq­ui­da­tion.

› An in­vestor to his ad­viser: Is all my money re­ally gone? The ad­viser replies: Of course not. It’s just with some­body else.

› Money can’t buy you true love. It does, how­ever, im­prove your bar­gain­ing po­si­tion.

› Fred says: My wife’s purse was stolen the other day. It had all her credit cards in it. I was go­ing to report it, but the thief is spend­ing less than she was.

› If we re­ally did profit from our mis­takes, most of us would be ex­tremely rich by now.

› Bor­row money from pes­simists. They don’t ex­pect it back.

Bearly there

Bubba and Earl are on a hunt­ing trip. Earl says, “Bubba, have you ever hunted bear?”

Bubba says, “No, but I went shoot­ing in my shorts once.”

Lisa Denton

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