Life saver

› How to have a great funeral: If you pay me $50, I’ll show up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a black umbrella, regardless of the weather, so that people Texting my crush “Hey, Infant,” instead of baby, so they know I’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus. @pienar

› How everybody’s mom looks at a cellphone photo: Me: Mum, look at this picture I took the other day. Mum: Ooh, hang on. [Finds glasses (11 minutes), puts on cardigan (four minutes), sits comfortably on the sofa (three minutes).] Me: [Hands her

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?”

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. asks, “Kin ya

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain’t never seen nobody do it!”

Can it

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she went before the judge, he asked her, ‘What did you steal?’

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied were six.

The judge said, “Then I will give you six days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She that there

also stole a can of peas.”

Flight delay

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” he explained. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.”