New research

Lessons (not) learned

Little Johnny asks his father, “Where does the wind come from?”

His dad answers, “I don’t know.”

“Why do dogs bark?” “I don’t know.” “Why is the Earth round?”

“I don’t know.” Johnny says, “Does it bother you that I ask so many questions?”

Dad says, “Of course not. Otherwise, you will never learn anything.”

Missing parts

Before going into surgery, Guy though it would be funny if he posted a note on himself telling the surgeon to be careful.

After the surgery, Guy woke up to find a note from the surgeon on his chest. It read: “Anyone know where my cellphone is?”

Divine intervention

A guy is late for an important meeting, but he can’t find a place to park.

In desperation, he begins to pray. “Please Lord, if you help me find a parking space right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”

A moment later, he sees an empty spot right next to the entrance. “Never mind,” he says. “Found one!”

Scientists have discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so within groups of 40.

Perspectives

The pessimist says, “Things just couldn’t get any worse.”

The optimist answers, “Of course they can!”

Something’s wrong

Every day, a patient in a mental hospital would put his ear to the wall and listen all day long. Day after day, the doctor watched this guy do the same thing. The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, “I don’t hear anything.”

The mental patient said, “Yeah, I know.

It’s been like that for months!”

Pig out

The leader of a vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He wanted to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So he told his members he was going on a vacation. He drove to a town in a neighboring state and headed to a restaurant that specialized in elaborate, gourmet meals. He told the waiter he wanted a roasted pig and waited impatiently for his order to arrive.

After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking toward him. It was just at that moment that the waiter walked over with a huge platter holding a full roasted pig, complete with an apple in its mouth.

“Would you look at that,” says the leader. “All I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with.”

Beware

› What happens when a cannibal shows up late for dinner? He gets the cold shoulder.

› Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

› Why don’t cannibals eat divorced women. They’re just too bitter.

Father knows best

The son says, “Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

Dad says, “You know you could do better, right?”

The son says, “Thanks, Dad. That means a lot.”

Dad says, “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

Lisa Denton