Late Night Laughs: Current events

Seth Meyers’ favorite jokes of the week (Sept. 30):

› Sources confirmed yesterday that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo was on President Trump’s controversial phone call with the president of Ukraine. Said Trump, “Oh, is that who kept yelling, ‘Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!’”?

› In an interview released today, Mayor Pete Buttigieg said the superhero he most identifies with is Spider-Man, because he is “kind of a nerdy guy who finds himself in a position of power.” And Joe Biden says he most identifies with Aquaman because he’s been treading water for months.

› The New York Times has published a new article about President Trump’s immigration policy, which claims that Trump privately asked aides for a cost estimate of building a water-filled trench along the border that is filled

Quickies

› How much do Chinese dumplings weigh? Wonton.

› It’s a five-minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35-minute walk back. The difference is staggering.

› What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

› “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” generally mean the same thing — except at funerals.

› Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.

› Why shouldn’t you with snakes and alligators. Or, as he called it today, a moot. I swear, Trump has the only phone in the world with auto-incorrect.

› President Trump today publicly suggested that both Ukraine and China should investigate the Biden family. Oh, what happened to doing your crimes in private? Trump’s like a mobster who, instead of throwing a body in the trunk, throws it in the passenger seat so he can use the carpool lane.

› According to The Washington Post, President Trump has privately suggested that U.S. forces form a human wall to prevent people from crossing the border. I don’t want to say the president is a child, but his immigration policy is literally “Red Rover, Red Rover, [as Trump] Send nobody over.” write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

› What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

› What happens when you throw a green rock in the Red Sea? It gets wet.

› When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

› You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

› No man has ever won a game of “Notice anything different about me?”

› Gravity: It’s not just a good idea. It’s the law.

› My wife told me to stop impersonating a flaming. I had to put my foot down.

› The gambling addiction hotline would do much better if every fifth call was a winner.