Laugh Lines

Ya reckon?

Inspired by Jeff Foxworthy, a collection compiled at www.jokesoftheday.net:

You might be a redneck if …

› You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since “Smokey and the Bandit” was snubbed for Best Picture.

› None of your shirts cover your stomach.

› Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy-size bottle of ketchup.

› The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

› You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

› You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

› You use the term “over yonder” more than once a month.

› Birds are attracted to your beard.

› The diploma hanging in your den contains the words “Trucking Institute.”

› Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Favorite one-liners

› I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

› I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

› My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

› You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

› Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

› Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.

› I broke my finger last week. On the other Lisa Denton

hand, I’m OK.

› I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism.

› I, for one, like Roman numerals.

› You know what they say about cliffhangers …

From failure to success

His history teacher gave him an “F” for a final grade.

When he asked her why she failed him, the teacher said, “I didn’t fail you. You failed yourself.”

He said, “In that case, I think I’m going to change my grade.”

Pastor personality

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit. At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but at church he was a real fire-and-brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “that’s my altar ego.”

Queries

› Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.

› What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.

› What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter. It’s not going to come anyway.

› What happened when the strawberry crossed the road? There was a traffic jam.

› Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “p” is silent.

Slow progress

Did you hear about the guy who races snails? He tried taking their shells off to see if they could run faster. If anything, it made them more sluggish.

Church virtues

Leaving church one Sunday, a middle-age woman said to her husband, “Do you think that Flanagan girl is dyeing her hair?”

“I didn’t even see her,” replied the husband.

“And that skirt Mrs. Fitzgerald was wearing,” continued the wife.

“Don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate attire for a mother of four?”

“I’m afraid I didn’t notice that either,” said the husband.

“Huh!” scoffed the wife. “A lot of good it does bringing YOU to church.”

Crime of opportunity

One shop owner asks another, “Have you had any responses to your ad that you’re looking for a night watchman?”

The other says, “Yeah, we got robbed last night.”

Honey?

Wife 1: Hey, how did you get your husband from staying out late?

Wife 2: Well, every time he would come home, I would simply say, “Mike, is that you?”

Wife 1: I don’t understand. How has that kept him from staying out?

Wife 2: My husband’s name is Andrew.

Hold that thought

A guy is commiserating to his buddy. “My girlfriend thought I was rude for yawning while she was talking. I wasn’t yawning. I was trying to say something.”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.