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Late Night Laughs


Seth Meyers’ favorite jokes of the week (Nov. 29):

› The White House held an event this afternoon to honor the military dog used in the raid on the leader of ISIS. Of course, the poor thing had no idea what was going on, and neither did the dog.

› President Trump, this afternoon, pardoned Butter, the national Thanksgivi­ng turkey. Really no surprise, since Butter donated $1 million to Trump’s inaugural committee.

› According to sources, President Trump has put his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, in charge of overseeing border-wall constructi­on, and that’s smart, because

All dressed up

One penguin says to the other, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.”

The other penguin replies, “Who says I’m not?”

Worlds apart

Did you hear about the penguin and the polar bear who gave up on having a long-distance relationsh­ip?

It never would have worked. They were polar opposites.


How to catch a polar bear:

› Go to the North Pole, and find a frozen lake or pond.

› Cut a large hole in the ice.

› Open a can of green peas, and place the peas if he can’t squeeze between those bars, nobody can.

› According to reports, raccoon-related delays on New York’s subway have doubled this year. Well, maybe we need to be training them better. (Doctored image of raccoon as a subway train operator.)

› According to a new poll, former Vice President Joe Biden has retaken the lead, nationally, in the Democratic primary. Said Biden, “I’m gonna win this thing or my name isn’t whatever my name is.”

Source: around the edge of the hole, single file.

› Hide behind a nearby rock.

› When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

Thoughts on Christmas

At HelloGiggl­, writer Margeaux Baulch Klein compiled a list of funny Christmas quotes from female comedians. A sampling:

› From Tina Fey: “I prefer the retro chic of spending Christmas just like Mary and Joseph did — traveling arduously back to the place of your birth to be counted, with no guarantee of a bed when you get there. You may end up sleeping on an old wicker couch with a dog licking your face while an Ab Rocket infomercia­l plays in the background. It’s a modern-day manger.”

› From Wanda Sykes: I love my family but my family — they’re the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did … I was in the first-grade Christmas play — I’m playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus … They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I’m like, ‘Oh, that’s a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby …’ And my aunt runs over, ‘Don’t you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!’”

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submission­s and websites. Origins are included when known.

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