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Laugh Lines
Oddball tunes
This month, we’re offering reminders of lyrics to novelty Christmas songs. You probably remember Jeff Foxworthy’s “Redneck 12 Days of Christmas,” which he co-wrote with Tim Wilson and included on his 1996 album, “Crank It Up.”
Its days are filled with: 12-pack of Bud, 11 wrasslin’ tickets, 10 tins of Copenhagen, nine years’ probation, eight table dancers, seven packs of Redman, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts, four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin’ dogs and some parts to a Mustang GT.
The song is more of a conversation between Foxworthy and an elf, so we’ll move on to the similarly themed “Redneck Christmas,” written by C.W. Kalb Jr. and recorded by Ray Stevens in 1997.
We’re havin’ a redneck Christmas
With traditional possum stew (yee-haw)
We’re havin’ a redneck Christmas
Hope Santa brings a little rabbit too (yum yum).
Got Paw new chaw Redman
Maw a brand new spit cup (phtoeey)
And I got my wife a new set
Of retreads for my pickup truck
Oh we ain’t never seen the reindeer,
But we painted the bull’s nose red (moo)
Put runners under the outhouse
And we’re usin’ it fer a sled.
(Darn fool idiots what’re doin?
Sorry didn’t know you was in there grandpa, Merry Christmas now, ya hear?
Well, I got yer merry Christmas right here,
(Come back with that catalog.)
We’re havin’ a redneck Christmas
TP’d the whole front yard,
Put big red bows on the hound dogs
Turned the lights on all the cars (howls).
I love a redneck Christmas
It’s a simple kinda life You buy one gift and that takes care
Of yer cousin and yer wife.
I went downtown to see Santy Claus,
Gave a dollar to one of them legs
(Here you go, Shorty) So Santa’d bring a man for daughter,
After all she’s near ‘bout 12.
(Poor thing she’ll be a spinster soon.)
We’re havin’ a redneck Christmas
Hung our stockings on the stove,
On the stove (sizzle) Hope Santa brings us big stuff
‘Cause the little stuff falls through the toes (falls through the toes).
We’s havin’ a redneck Christmas
With homemade moonshine eggnog (glug glug) I took a little swig Thought it needed more kick
Throwed in a little toe de frog
(burp, hic, ribbit, hic, ribbit).
Source: Musixmatch
Gifts of Christmas
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the gates of heaven.
“In honor of this holy season,” he said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
“This represents a candle,” he said.
“Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates,” said St. Peter.
The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them.
He said, “They’re bells.”
St. Peter said, “You may also enter heaven.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man, puzzled.
“And just what do those symbolize?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”
Thoughts on decorating
The Huffington Post has compiled a selection of funny tweets about decorating for the holidays.
A sampling:
From @simoncholland: Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
From @AbbyHasIssues: I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
From @sara_ashlynn: I’m sorry that I ran over all of your inflatable Christmas decorations.
From @KimmyMonte: (forgetting the name for Christmas decorations). Please pass me the tree earrings.
From @TheCatWhisprer: I liked Christmas lights a lot more when I wasn’t involved in putting them up.
From @AndyAsAdjective: I chuckled this morning as I named the front door Christmas decoration “Keith the
Wreath.” My daughter just looked at me like I’m an idiot.
From @LindaInDisguise: A computer the size of a city block can now fit in your pocket, yet a whole strand of Christmas lights still goes dark when 1 bulb burns out.
From @saltymamas: My husband just brought in 8 boxes of shiny, jingly, Christmas decorations and left me to decorate with three kids so he could do non-time-sensitive pool maintenance. If he survives, it will be a Christmas miracle.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.