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Laugh Lines
Oddball tunes
Credit songwriter Randy Brooks for today’s Christmas novelty song, with lyrics supplied so you can sing along when you hear it on the radio. The song was originally performed by Elmo & Patsy, although Brooks also included it on his 2014 self-released album, “Randy Brooks’ Greatest Hit” (see what he did there?).
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
***
She’d been drinking too much eggnog
And we begged her not to go
But she forgot her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
*** When they found her Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack,
She had hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminating
Claus marks on her back.
*** Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
***
Now we’re all so proud of Grandpa.
He’s been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel.
***
It’s not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family’s dressed in black.
And we just can’t help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts or send them back? (Send them back.)
*** Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
***
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig
And the blue and silver candles
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma’s wig.
***
I’ve warned all my friends and neighbors
Better watch out for yourselves.
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
*** Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve
You can say there’s no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Source: Metrolyrics.com
At the door
Knock-knock. Who’s there. Dexter. Dexter who? Dexter halls with boughs of holly.
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive who? Olive, the other reindeer.
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Murray.
Murray who? Murray Christmas, one and all.
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Pizza.
Pizza who? Pizza on earth, good will toward men.
Knock-knock. Who’s there? Hannah. Hannah who? Hannah a partridge in a pear tree.
Reindeer riddles
› What’s the difference between Santa’s reindeer and a knight? One slays the dragon, and the other’s draggin’ the sleigh.
› Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
Because they’re Santa’s star bucks.
› How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh and reindeer?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
› How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh? About eight bucks — nine during bad weather.
› Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners? Rude-olph!
Tree treats
› What do you call it when Christmas trees boycott something? A Christmas tree stand.
› How can you get down from a Christmas tree? You can’t — down comes from ducks.
› Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles.
› What do ornaments do on Christmas trees? Not much — they just hang out.
› What do you get when you eat Christmas ornaments? Tinselitis.
Merry miscellany
› Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.
› What says, “Oh Oh Oh”? Santa walking backwards.
› What’s the best Christmas present? A broken drum — you can’t beat it.
› What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia.
› What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas advent calendar? He got 25 days.
› What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve.
› What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride? Holly Davidson.
› Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.
› What do fish sing during winter? Christmas corals.
› Why is it cold at Christmas? Because it comes in Decembrrrr.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.