Eve of a lecture

On New Year’s Eve, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van parked and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at 4 o’clock in the morning?” asked the police officer.

“I’m on my way to a lecture,” Roger said.

“Who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?” the officer asked sarcastically.

“My wife,” Roger answered.

Big night out

A couple decided at the last minute to go out for New Year’s Eve. Finding all their favorite places too crowded, they finally wound up at a cheap-looking restaurant.

As they were about to sit down, they noticed there were crumbs on the seat and greasy smudges on the table. After they cleaned the seat and wiped the table, they sat down and a waitress approached to see what they wanted.

“I’ll just take a coffee,” said the man.

“Me, too” said the woman, “and make sure the cup is clean.”

In a few minutes, the waitress returned with their drinks.

“OK,” she said, putting down their cups. “Now which one of you wanted the clean cup?”

The day’s special

John was starving. He’d stayed out late at a New Year’s Eve party in the city and was pleased when he saw a little 24-hour diner in a little hick town he had to pass through on his way home.

He quickly parked and went inside. On a blackboard was a sign written in yellow chalk: Today’s Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chicken and Grilled Vegetables.

“I’ll take the special,” said John when the waiter came to take his order.

But when the order was delivered a few minutes later, John was aggravated by what he was served. He called the waiter back to the table.

“Is this the special?” he demanded angrily. “It says vegetable soup, but there are no vegetables in it! It says grilled vegetables, but they’ve been deepfried, not grilled! And it says fried chicken, but the chicken is broiled!”

The waiter didn’t much like John’s attitude, but he let John finish his tirade before he told him, “My dear man, that is what makes it so special!”

Fruitful humor

› Why don’t bananas snore? Because they don’t want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

› Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen? Because they peel.

› What do you call a banana who gets all the girls? A banana smoothie.

› What do bananas say when they answer the phone? Yellow.

› Why did they cancel the ice-cream social? The banana split with the ice cream.

› When will the trail mix have enough money to buy a map? After the banana chips in.

› Why did the banana go out with a prune? Because he couldn’t find a date.

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.