Chattanooga Times Free Press - ChattanoogaNow
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bidding — the parrot was his at last.
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to think
Golf and matrimony
A husband and wife are golfing when suddenly the wife asks, “Honey, if I die would you get married again?”
Her husband answers, “No, sweetheart.”
The wife says, “No, you should.”
The husband says, “OK then. I would.
The wife says, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
The husband says, “Well, I guess so.”
The wife says, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
The husband says, “Nah, she’s left-handed.”
From “Late Night With Seth Meyers,” the host’s favorite jokes of the week (Jan. 10):
› President Trump gave an address this morning in response to Iran’s retaliation for his strike on a military leader. The address was Hillary Clinton’s [with image of a Chautauqua, New York, letterhead].
› Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan Markle announced on Instagram this afternoon that they’re stepping away from the royal family and moving to Canada. Or, as it was reported in British tabloids, “Meghan Kidnaps Harry!”
› According to the latest numbers, former Vice President Joe Biden spent 11 days in Iowa last month. It was only supposed to be a weekend, but he got lost in a corn maze.
› A man in Florida was arrested over the weekend after he allegedly bit a police dog while naked and high on crystal meth. On the plus side, as a “Florida Man,” he’s already achieved his 2020 resolution.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.