Laugh Lines
Taxing time of late
David Letterman’s Top 10 lists are usually topical to the news of the day, so some of his Top 10 Excuses for Filing Your Taxes Late, circa 1994, seem a little dated after 21 years. But here are six that stand the test of time.
Thought late fees would make a nice deduction.
H Block finished on time, but R Block was a little slow.
Finished entire Pepperidge Farm chocolate layer cake; got sleepy.
Think about it: The longer you make the IRS wait for your returns, the more excited they’ll be when they finally get ’em!
Got nasty paper cut from 1040 form, passed out for three days from blood loss.
Math is real hard, dude.
Weather the weather
As the song says: I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a roof leaks. And a soccer game gets called off. And a car rusts …
Miracle cures
After retiring from farming, an old geezer becomes very bored and decides to open a medical clinic. He puts up a sign outside that says: “Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000.”
Young Dr. Young, whose practice is nearby, is positive this old geezer doesn’t know beans about medicine and decides this would be a great opportunity to make an easy $1,000.
So he goes to Dr. Geezer’s clinic. This is what transpires. Dr. Young: Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22, and put three drops in Dr. Young’s mouth. Dr. Young: Aaagh! That’s gasoline!
Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.
This, of course, annoys Dr. Young. In a couple of days, he goes back, figuring he can recover his money.
Dr. Young: I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.
Dr. Geezer: Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22, and put three drops in the patient’s mouth.
Dr. Young: Oh, no you don’t — that is gasoline!
Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.
Now $1,000 in the hole, Dr. Young leaves angrily. After several days of sulking, he comes back, sure that can recover his losses.
Dr. Young: My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see.
Dr. Geezer: Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so here’s your $1,000 back.
Dr. Young: But this is only $500.
Dr. Geezer: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.
Moral of the story: Just because you’re young doesn’t mean you can outsmart a geezer.
On notice
A resident of an apartment building found this sign in the lobby:
“To whoever is watering these plants, please stop. They are the property of the building, and our maintenance staff will take care of them. They may have already been watered, in which case you will be overwatering them. Besides, these plants are fake.”
Oh, wait
Two sisters were discussing their mutual weight problem one evening, when one challenged the other to a contest.
If Pat lost the most weight in the next month, she wouldn’t have to pay Paula the $ 50 she owed her. If Paula lost the most weight, Pat would have to pay double. Anything for an incentive.
“All right,” Paula said happily. “But let’s wait two weeks before we start. There are some things I have to eat first.”
Problem solved
A diner was aggravated that the waiter had brought him no spoon
with his coffee.
“This coffee,” he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, “is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers.”
The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.
“This one is much cooler, sir,” he beamed.
Exhausting work
Married 52 years, the couple were greeting guests at an anniversary reception in their honor.
As one man made it through the receiving line, he asked the husband the secret to his lengthy marriage.
The husband said, “We never go to sleep angry.”
“That’s a great philosophy,” the guest noted.
“Yes,” the husband agreed. “And the longest we’ve been awake so far is five days.”
Trapper’s stove
An engineer, a psychologist and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.
Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place … two rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, potbellied, and made of cast iron. What was strange about it was its location. It was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
“Fascinating,” said the psychologist. “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb.”
“Nonsense!” replied the engineer. “The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”
“With all due respect,” interrupted the theologian, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire lifted up has been a religious symbol for centuries.”
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy potbellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. “Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.”