Melting images of snow drive us crazy

Were you sucked into the early spring hype by the world’s most powerful rodent on Groundhog’s Day?

I was. Spending chunks of last weekend outside was pleasurable.

But the painful reminder we’re still in February arrived with the news snow was coming.

There were at least two clouds and one fluttering flake spotted in the greater Chattanooga area, so there’s a better-than-average chance you were forced to figure out a back-up plan for Junior or Janie at some point this week.

Seriously, the quick-triggered school closings have become comical. For anyone over age 50, those decisions also quickly trigger their “Back in our day …” stories of snow-related journeys that magically traveled uphill in each direction.

In truth, it’s understandable to a certain degree — no one wants to be on the hook for a bus crash or mishap on icy streets. Still, the bellyaching about school closures is second only to the obsession of acquiring enough bread and milk to feed the masses.

( Speaking of feeding the masses, quick side story: Our 5-year- old daughter was in a pre-K play about Christ feeding the masses with loaves of bread and fish. The entire production took 10 minutes. It’s one of those things parents gush about, and where friends of those parents smile and nod during the retelling as the words become the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher. Still, during the production of the miracle, the lead of the play accidentally dropped the basket with the bread and fish. The little fellow to his left noticed the miscue and said, “Oh, Jesus,” which was, in this case, appropriate. And priceless.)

As for the desperate need for bread and milk when there’s white powder on the ground, well, how those became the staples of winter storms is anyone’s guess. It’s not like a cold glass of 2 percent with a plain piece of toast is going to make anyone’s day.

Still, it’s snow and it’s what we do. It’s somewhat surprising in this age of skepticism and conspiracy theories that we have not come upon a stronger link between Food City and snow forecasts.

Other than Paul Barys, no one gets more busy than the grocery stores when the four-letter S-N*-W word gets thrown around.

With that in mind, here’s a simple checklist as we (hopefully) enter the last few days of winter.

1. We Southerners are completely aware we are not good drivers in the snow. So, hey, Michigan guy, we get that we don’t see snow around these parts all that much. It’s probably not unlike how the college football championship is viewed in the North, huh?

2. There apparently are three things almost everyone has a better way to do: Manage the Braves, cut the grass and build a snowman.

3. Very few things define the dividing line between kids and adults as clearly as snow.

4. How did the snow angel become popular? Wonder who was the brainiac who first thought to lie down in the cold and wet stuff? Bet he or she caught an awful cold because of it.

5. Eating snow can be pleasurable. Eating yellow snow, of course, is not.

6. And for the love of Pete, please remember to get some bread and milk. (A quick stop for some adult beverages if time permits is also not a bad idea.)

After all, when school’s out, that may be one way we can bridge the snow gap with the younger generations.

Contact Jay Greeson at jgreeson@timesfreepress.com. His “Right to the Point” column runs on A2 on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.