Current events
Observations from latenight comedians as found at www.newsmax.com.
A new report claims that a knife was found buried at O.J. Simpson’s estate. They’re now analyzing the knife for evidence, but experts warn that it might not be related to the crime. You know, because it could be one of those regular knives people bury in the backyard. — Jimmy Fallon
The Defense Department is inviting hackers to test its cyber security in a new program called “Hack the Pentagon.” Which will be followed by another new program called “OK, Please Stop Hacking Us. It’s Not Funny Anymore.” — Jimmy Fallon
A marijuana activist group is planning a protest at the White House on April 2. They’re expected to show up around May 9. — Conan O’Brien
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has moved up 10 spots in Forbes magazine’s list of richest people. Mostly because he has the credit card numbers of the other 10 people. — Conan O’Brien
American astronaut Scott Kelly returned from the International Space Station yesterday after spending almost a full year in space. … Upon returning, Scott Kelly measured 2 inches taller. This is due to his vertebrae not being compressed in a low-gravity environment. And the fact that he started wearing heels.— James Corden
NASA estimates that during his year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly drank almost 200 gallons of water filtered from his own urine and sweat. And then, on the last day, he found all the Fiji bottles he’d brought with him. — Seth Meyers
NASA is currently recruiting people for their rest studies program in which participants will be paid $ 18,000 to spend 70 days in bed and smoke different types of marijuana. But so far, they’ve only had 1 billion applicants. — Seth Meyers
In New Hampshire, legislators are trying to pass a law that would make public breastfeeding a crime. However, the bill is being opposed by a strong coalition called Creepy Dudes United. — Conan O’Brien
Lawmakers in New Hampshire are now backing a bill that would make it illegal for women to expose their breasts in public because they say it could hurt tourism. Then New Orleans said, “You sure about that?” — Jimmy Fallon
A Catholic priest in Ireland has resigned after a video surfaced of him snorting cocaine in a room decorated with Nazi memorabilia. He was also the first priest to ever tell someone at confession, “Ah, I think I got you beat.” — Seth Meyers
In Orange County, a college student ate In- NOut for 30 straight days and only gained 2 pounds. That’s right, he went from 398 to 400. — Conan O’Brien
With only five months to go before the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazilian organizers are having a lot of trouble selling tickets. Not helping is their promotional offer: “Your Second Bout of Zika Is Free.” — Conan O’Brien
The Supreme Court had a power outage during one of its cases yesterday, and justices reportedly continued to ask questions in the dark. Questions like, “Whose hand is that?” and “Well, then, whose hand is THAT?” — Seth Meyers