Summer camp at home

(This column is an updated version of a previous Jim Mullen favorite.)

Hey, kids! Welcome to Yard Care Camp!

The good news is that Yard Care Camp is completely FREE! That’s right, you’ll be living at home, sleeping in your own beds, pushing the usual foods around your plates to make it look like you’ve eaten them. And you already know and love your counselors — Mom and Dad!

The first week, campers play the weed-pulling game every morning. In the afternoon, they laugh and cheer as they enjoy the mulching competitions! By the second day, most campers are able to do this by themselves without help from counselors. But campers who need extra instruction will get it. Every day at noon, there are exciting motivational talks by Mom and Dad on such things as “Why I Can’t Hear You When You Whine” and “When You’re 18 You Can Move Out and Live in Your Own Filth and Squalor.”

Yard Care Camp is a unique experience campers talk about for years to come.

But that’s not all, lucky campers. For no extra money, campers get to mow the lawn, clean the gas grill, scrape paint, wash the deck, clean and put away all the tools, and a thousand other little things. We call them “chores,” but you’ll call them “fun.” No more boring days playing video games, watching TV and saying things like “There’s nothing to do around here!” There’s plenty to do at Yard Care Camp, and campers do it!

Some days, if there’s time, and if all the chores are finished, and if the counselors aren’t too tired, campers go out to get some ice cream or go to a movie.

Most kids think the second week of camp is even more fun than the first. That’s when we upgrade from Yard Care Camp to Home Cleaning Camp. Start most days with the thrilling “Separate the Laundry” challenge, competing with other teams (your brothers and sisters) to see who can win first place. Then you get to feed and care for your very own animals — right down to cleaning the litter box. After that, there’s Dirt-Removal Appreciation class, or as Counselor Mom likes to call it, dusting and vacuuming. There’s nothing like it to make teens feel grown-up.

There’s never a dull moment! Counselors lead campers in their favorites songs, such as “This is the way we load the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, load the dishwasher. This is the way we load the dishwasher, early in the morning” and its sequel, “This is the way we clean the tub.” At night, you gather around the microwave to sing the ditties you learned that day, like “This is the way we scrub the floor” and “This is the way we make the bed.” They’re sure to put a smile on everyone’s face.

By popular demand, there is a new feature called “Watch Dad Pay Some Bills.” Campers sit quietly while Counselor Dad explains exactly how much it costs to run Yard Care and Home Cleaning Camp. He explains such things as kilowatt-hours and roaming charges. He may even get into the cost of food and clothing. New shoes are a particular favorite of his.

Many campers say they’ve never had two weeks fly by so fast. Many ask what they have to do to come back next year.

Don’t worry! Re-enrollment is automatic!