Being present is more than filling space
Under the banner Dads2Dads, we’re working on another book project that is composed of interviews with men whom we regard as model fathers.
These dads represent various ethnic backgrounds and socio-economic levels. What they all have in common is their recognition of the importance of their role as a father and their commitment, regardless of their marital circumstances, to their children.
We have been moved and inspired by these men. In some cases, we have learned just as much about ourselves as about them.
After completing 20-plus interviews, one common thread runs through most of their stories about raising their children. It is very simple — or perhaps not nearly as simple in practice. Most of these dads stressed how vital it is for them to be present in their children’s lives. By present, we mean attentive and involved and trying as hard as possible to be there for their kids.
One father whom we interviewed has a 12-year-old son. He and his wife separated several years ago. Dad moved into an apartment and lived there for three years. The boy stayed with his mother. Although it took more effort, dad remained present in his son’s life. Eventually, the couple decided that dad should move back into the house for the benefit of the boy.
Today, they live under the same roof but in separate areas of the house. Mom and Dad are able to co-parent successfully — so successfully, in fact, they have never followed through with a divorce. Never once has dad allowed this estrangement with his wife to diminish his presence with his son.
Another father whom we interviewed has grown children who have families of their own. He works as a custodian in a poverty-ridden high school where he is “Dad” to hundreds of kids. He is present in their lives as a friend, role model and mentor.
“There’s no excuse for a kid to not have a father,” he says. “I tell kids at the school, ‘When you come to school here, if you want a dad, you’ve got one in me. I will not bail out on you.’ I probably would have retired this year, but I promised one of the kids that I would stay here with him until he graduates.”
Marriages crumble. Relationships grow stale. Parents fall out of love. Someone packs up and leaves. In talking to these fathers, however, we learned that a dad’s presence in his child’s life is no less important, no less urgently needed, even if dad lives somewhere else.
We also know, as you know, that a father can live under the same roof and be missing in action. Being a good father requires being involved, attentive — and ever present in his child’s life — no matter his proximity.
Tom Tozer and Bill Black are authors of “Dads2Dads: Tools for Raising Teenagers.” Like them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter at Dads2Dadsllc. Contact them at tomandbill@Dads2Dadsllc.com.