Late Night Laughs: Debate Mode

› We all just watched Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton debate for an hour and a half. Coming into tonight’s debate, Democrats were divided between two strong emotions: panic and pants-crapping. — Stephen Colbert ›

Meanwhile, Hillary was so prepared, my new nickname for her is Preparation H. Yeah, it’s a compliment. In the primaries, she already proved she could “soothe the Bern.” — Stephen Colbert ›

Of course, it did not take long for one of these two candidates to tell a lie. [clip of Hillary saying, “Donald, it’s good to be with you.”] False! Where are the fact-checkers? Pinocchio! — Stephen Colbert ›

After tonight’s debate, several Fox News analysts said that Hillary Clinton was the clear winner. So maybe global warming IS a hoax because hell has frozen over. — Seth Meyers ›

Pundits are noting that this year’s group of debate moderators is the most diverse in history, featuring an African-American, two women, a Filipino and an openly gay man. Trump was like, “I think I’ve heard this one before, but go ahead.” — Seth Meyers ›

Tonight the main event from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York: Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton in the first of three presidential debates. It was a long 90 minutes. But the results are in and not a single voter changed their mind. A huge waste of time. It’s very hard to believe that there are still undecided voters. The choice is pretty orange-and-white. — Jimmy Kimmel ›

The experts said in order to win, Hillary Clinton had to project an image of competence, experience, wisdom, health and vitality, without coming off as angry, bookish or overbearing. Donald Trump had to not mention his [genitals]. — Jimmy Kimmel ›

This was expected to be the most-watched debate ever. The ratings were expected to rank up with the finale of “Cheers,” the finale of “M.A.S.H.” Makes sense, in a way this election feels like the series finale of America. — Jimmy Fallon ›

Hillary Clinton has asked “Shark Tank’s” Mark Cuban to attend tonight’s debate. Trump was furious and said, “A billionaire reality star has no business being at a presidential debate.” — Conan O’Brien ›

They’re offering the debate in virtual reality, so if you want to feel like you’re actually on stage during the debate, here’s your chance, Jeb. — Jimmy Fallon ›

Before tonight’s debate, President Obama told Hillary Clinton, “Be yourself.” Then Obama told Donald Trump, “Please, please, please be yourself.” — Conan O’Brien ›

The debate was actually split into several themes. America’s direction, America’s prosperity, America’s security and then strangely “America’s ninja warrior.” — Jimmy Fallon ›

There were actually 1,000 people in the audience tonight and they were instructed not to applaud or cheer during the debate. And people watching were like, “What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob?” — Jimmy Fallon