Current events

This month, the world’s oldest person will turn 117, and she says she eats two raw eggs every day. When asked what she wants for her birthday, she said, “A skillet. I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916.” — Jimmy Fallon

The holiday season is in full swing, and you know that because Starbucks has changed the color of their cups. Some people are saying they were angry when they went to get their red cup and, instead, got a green cup. And if you’re one of the people upset by this, you need to switch to decaf. — James Corden

A Pennsylvania rapper who has a song called “Sell Drugz” was arrested this week for allegedly selling narcotics. Even worse, his attorney has a song called “Lose Cases.” — Seth Meyers

Google has announced it is partnering with the new Harry Potter spinoff to create an app that will allow fans to use spells to control their phones. Hopefully it includes the spell “Group Textus Removus.” — Seth Meyers

A tech blogger in California used a weather balloon to drop an iPhone from the edge of space, at 100,000 feet in the air, to see what would happen — and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet. — Jimmy Fallon

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has reportedly checked into rehab for sex addiction after his numerous sexting scandals. Weiner has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password. — Seth Meyers

The FDA is currently debating whether the chocolate hazelnut topping Nutella should be classified as a dessert or a spread. Which is ridiculous. Nutella isn’t a dessert or a spread; it’s a cry for help. — James Corden

The Food and Drug Administration is asking people what they use Nutella for, and 37 percent said dessert, 23 percent said as a spread, and 40 percent said they use it as a replacement for their girlfriend. — James Corden