Four ways to identify a lonely child
Twelve-year-old Josh and his mom had accomplished a lot during seven sessions of therapy. He was getting along better with his little sister, and his interactions with his mom were more positive.
It wasn’t until I discussed terminating therapy that Josh finally told me how lonely he felt, which had never come up during our meetings.
While Josh had many acquaintances, he didn’t have any close friends. While superficially pleasant and outgoing, he was fearful of saying what he really thought. If people knew the real Josh, he felt he would be ridiculed. He was living a dual life. His external behavior was ordinary and acceptable. His inner world was solitary and disengaged.
He cried in my office for about 10 minutes, and then apologized for using so many tissues. He retreated to his pretend world and reassured me that he was doing fine.
Loneliness is hard to diagnose in kids, and often can be mistaken for other conditions. It is not depression. Kids who are depressed generally have little energy and experience no enjoyment in most activities. Loneliness is also different from being introspective or quiet. Many people enjoy being alone and pursuing their interests and hobbies.
For older adults, loneliness can be a killer. Such feelings significantly increase the risk of a variety of physical and mental problems. However, not much is known about the prevalence or impact of loneliness in children. One study of preadolescent children estimated that between 8 percent and 11 percent of the children reported loneliness.
Here are four ways to identify a lonely child.
› Poor social skills. Many of these kids have a hard time interacting with others. They may seem overly bossy, rude, quiet, boring or negative. They often have a difficult time interpreting their feelings or those of others.
› Quirky style. Some kids are just a bit different from others. Such distinctions can be engaging but may result in rejection from peers and adults.
› Internet addiction. More kids are using the digital universe to escape from the real world. Some kids find comfort and support from anonymous interactions with others. However, meaningful relationships come from engagement with real people.
› Family turmoil. Lonely kids are more apt to result from parental instability, divorce, family stress, frequent moves and child abuse or violence. There’s no easy answer for loneliness, other than the encouragement to reach out and connect with others. Volunteering, exercise, music, church, pets or just being around caring adults and peers can often help.
Dr. Gregory Ramey is executive director of Dayton Children Hospital’s Pediatric Center for Mental Health Resources.