Late Night Laughs: Around the White House
From Aug. 3-10
Scientists just discovered that millions of years ago, flowers had both male and female parts. As a result, President Trump has banned those flowers from serving in the military. — Jimmy Fallon
Did you hear what Trump said about living in the White House? According to Golf magazine, of all places, the president told a group of members at his club in New Jersey the White House is a real dump. A White House spokesperson today denied the president said that, so it’s true. — Jimmy Kimmel
A new Quinnipiac poll found that 33 percent of people approve of the job President Trump is doing. Unfortunately, they’re all under investigation. — Seth Meyers
Basically Donald Trump wants to create what he calls a merit-based system that awards points to green card applicants based on such factors as English ability. Yes, immigrants have to learn proper English like “bigly” and “covfefe.” — Stephen Colbert
The Wall Street Journal is reporting Robert Mueller, the special counsel investigating Russia’s interference in the 2016 election, has impaneled a grand jury. I’m going to say something nobody has ever said before: “God, I wish I had jury duty!” — Stephen Colbert
But really, how are they ever going to find unbiased people to serve on this jury? “Ma’am, have you ever heard of a man by the name of Donald Trump?” “No, Father never mentioned him in our cave-dwelling cult.” — Stephen Colbert
President Trump is in the middle of his 17-day trip to his New Jersey golf course, but he says it isn’t a vacation. And the staff at the White House said, “For us it is.” — Jimmy Fallon
Mike Pence is denying speculation that he wants to be elected president in 2020. Pence was like, “I think you mean re-elected president in 2020.” — Jimmy Fallon
Former communications director Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his time in the White House into a sitcom. Networks say it’s impossible, because sitcoms have to last at least 30 minutes. — Jimmy Fallon
The White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. Trump said he’s hoping to replace the kitchen, the carpeting and the attorney general. — Conan O’Brien
This morning Trump tweeted he will be working in New Jersey while the White House goes through a long-planned renovation. Yeah, the White House does need some work. Apparently that place has a ton of leaks. — James Corden
Meanwhile the Russian president, Vladimir Putin, is also on vacation. Which is kind of suspicious. It’s like when your husband and secretary go on a work trip together. — Jimmy Kimmel
Fox News host Eric Bolling has been suspended following reports that he sent lewd photos to multiple female co-workers. Or as Fox News is reporting it: “Did Hillary Frame Eric Bolling?” — Seth Meyers
According to reports, officials at the Department of Agriculture told staffers to avoid the term “climate change” in their research and to use terms like “weather extremes” instead. And instead of earthquakes, they’re now called “li’l shakeroos.” — Seth Meyers
Tensions with North Korea continue to rise. And you can tell Trump’s nervous because he’s been wearing a “Make America Great Again” helmet. — Jimmy Fallon
Things are getting tense between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. We didn’t start it. North Korea has been testing these missiles and saying they’re making them specifically to attack the United States. So, obviously, a firm response is necessary — but maybe not “fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen.” — Stephen Colbert
I understand wanting to say that, but this is like a hostage negotiation, and you don’t start with, “Go ahead, kill everybody. I’ll kill ’em way deader.” — Stephen Colbert
To be fair, North Korea isn’t helping. Today, they said they’re drawing up plans to launch four intermediate-range ballistic missiles into waters near Guam. NEAR Guam, but not ON Guam. Which is the geopolitical equivalent of your brother saying, “I’m not touching you. You can’t tell Mom, ’cause I’m not touching you. I’m not touching your face. Why are you crying? I’m not touching you.” — Stephen Colbert