Current events

Elon Musk recently announced that the government has approved a plan for something called a “Hyperloop” that will transport people between New York and D.C. in just 29 minutes. “Hyperloop?” I don’t know how much I trust [that as] public transportation. That sounds like it should be a ride at Six Flags. — James Corden

Apparently this thing shoots people through a tube at 700 miles an hour! And when you arrive in New York, it drops you straight off at Macy’s so you can buy a clean pair of underwear. — James Corden

The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated its fifth year in space by humming “Happy Birthday” to itself. The Rover then drank a bottle of white wine and cried itself to sleep. — Conan O’Brien

Wal-Mart is testing out an app that would allow shoppers to skip the checkout line. Currently that service is known as shoplifting. — Conan O’Brien

The singer The Weeknd is reportedly considering changing his name. This is on the advice of his son, Staycation. — Conan O’Brien

The state of Colorado has determined that the tax revenue from the sale of legalized marijuana has now exceeded half a billion dollars. Colorado has so much extra money for marijuana it can now afford a cocaine habit. — James Corden

Unfortunately, they’ve already spent all of that money on Funyuns and Hot Pockets. — James Corden

You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it’s planning to sell that information to Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just Lisa Denton vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint. — James Corden

The other night I could have sworn I heard Roomba and Alexa talking about how much they could get for my flat screen. — James Corden

A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes, nose, chin and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face. — Jimmy Fallon

According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed?! Who does she think she is, herself? — Seth Meyers

From www.newsmax.com: