Laugh Lines
Welcome, evacuees
Some advice from a longer guide to Florida hurricanes at www.jokesclean.com. Evacuation routes: If you live in a low-lying area, you’ll want to have an evacuation route planned out. Evacuation routes are the parking lots created on the local roads designed by the city council to be used by most of the people in a community while [elected officials] use the back roads to get out of the city to higher ground. How to know if you’re
in a low-lying area: Look carefully at your postal address. If it’s in the state of Florida, you are in a low-lying area. Homeowner’s insurance: Homeowner’s insurance is often considered the most important preparedness item you can’t afford. Not what you can’t afford to live without, but what you can’t afford … [There are] a couple of tricks that will help you get good affordable homeowner’s insurance.
1. Find a house that’s built using the latest building techniques designed to help it withstand hurricanes.
2. Make sure it’s located somewhere in West Virginia.
Points to ponder
Why does rain drop but snow fall?
What disease did cured ham have?
If you put in your two cents but only get a penny for your thoughts, where does the extra penny go?
When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?
Can you cry under water?
Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?
Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?
Why are actors in movies but on television?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?
Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?
Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?
Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If we don’t care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?
Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They’re both dogs.
If the professor on “Gilligan’s Island” could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn’t he fix the hole in the boat?
If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from Acme, why doesn’t he just buy himself dinner?
Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?
Part of getting old
When you get old, your secrets are safe with your friends. They’ll never share them because they can’t remember them.
You don’t worry about not eating food that’s good for you. You want all the preservatives you can get.
You can’t be young forever, but you realize immaturity can last a lifetime.
You’re done with wild oats. Now you’re into prunes and All Bran.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
You know you’re getting old when you look in the mirror to shave and realize that the face you’re looking at is your father’s.
You know you’re getting bald when it takes longer and longer to wash your face.
You discover that wrinkles don’t hurt.
By the time you get your head together, your body is falling apart.
You discover it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It’s not the pace of life that concerns you, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
Lot of celebrity babies are happening right now. It was just announced that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their third child. Kate’s very excited about the baby. In fact, she said that she can already feel it waving. — Jimmy Fallon
I also want to say congratulations to Serena Williams, who just welcomed a baby girl. The doctor gave the baby to Serena, then Serena returned it, then the doctor sent it back, then Serena returned it again and won the point. It was amazing to watch. — Jimmy Fallon
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have announced they are expecting their third baby. And this time, they’re going to name the baby something normal. That’s the name. Something Normal West. — Seth Meyers
I read that a sailboat near Greece that was in distress was busted for carrying 1,500 pounds of marijuana. Actually, the boat wasn’t actually in distress. Turns out it was just being paranoid. — Jimmy Fallon
Is everyone excited for the Stephen King movie “It?” It’s coming out this weekend. It’s the one about the evil clown. Well, bad news. The World Clown Association has released a statement condemning the movie, saying that it’s preventing clowns from getting work. I don’t think I’m alone in saying it’s hard to take you seriously when your organization is called the World Clown Association. — James Corden
Well guys, it is official — football has begun! I saw that the Patriots will play a game in Mexico this November. And once they’re down there, the rest of the league will say, “OK, build the wall! Quick — we have a chance!” — Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.