Laugh Lines

Turkey gestures

A woman was traveling down the road when she noticed three turkeys on the shoulder about to cross the road.

She began slowing down, but the turkeys took flight. Two of the turkeys safely flew across the road in front of her car, landed on the opposite side and ran into the woods.

The third turkey was not so fortunate. It hit the car’s grille, flipped over the top of the car and landed on the front window of a police car following behind.

The cop hit his blue lights and pulled the woman over. As he approached her car, he was already writing her ticket.

“I haven’t done anything wrong,” she protested.

“Oh, but you have,” the officer told her. “You flipped me the bird.”

Current events

I heard that O.J. Simpson was kicked out of a bar in Las Vegas for being drunk and belligerent. Wow — just when you think you know someone. — Jimmy Fallon

A plane in India had to make an emergency landing after a passenger found out her husband was cheating on her midflight. The passengers were like, “Finally, some good in-flight entertainment!” — Jimmy Fallon

Researchers say that they’ve figured out how to get around Apple’s new face-scanning security feature. They did it by using a mask that mimics the user’s face. The mask they used is made of plastic, silicone, and makeup.

Or as they call that here in Los Angeles, a face. — James Corden

On the bright side, if someone has a mask of your face, getting your iPhone hacked is the least of your problems. — James Corden

A Florida man is refusing to give up his “emotional support squirrel” even though his condo association is threatening to evict him. Of course it’s stressful times like these when the comforting embrace of a squirrel helps the most. — Seth Meyers

Nestle is recalling its Hot Pockets Four Cheese Pizza Snack Bites due to misbranding. They’ll be re-released with the corrected name, Scalding Hot Yet Somehow Still Frozen in the Middle Pockets. — Seth Meyers