Late Night Laughs: Around the White House
Have you been following this story about the UCLA basketball players who were arrested in China for shoplifting? President Trump helped get them released and yesterday they publicly thanked him. So today, Donald Trump tweeted, “To the three UCLA basketball players I say: You’re welcome.” — James Corden
He also tweeted, “Have a great life! Be careful, there are many pitfalls on the long and winding road of life!” This guy goes on one presidential trip to Asia and now he’s writing Chinese proverbs. — James Corden
Trump fired back at Kim Jong Un and North Korea after the country released a statement that referred to him as an “old lunatic.” Trump tweeted, “Why would Kim Jong Un insult me by calling me ‘old’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat’?” So in order to prove he’s not old, Trump reacted like a third-grader. — James Corden
I mean, right now we are this close to Kim Jong Un and Trump doing “yo mama” jokes on Twitter. “Yo mama so stupid she couldn’t get into Trump University.” — James Corden
Years from now we can only hope that we will look back at all of this and laugh. And we will be like, “You remember that time when Trump called Kim Jong Un short and fat? Haha. Anyway, how long do we have to stay in this bunker?” — James Corden
By now, you’ve probably heard of Alabama senatorial candidate and former judge Roy Moore. Last week, allegations surfaced that when Moore was an assistant district attorney in the 1970s, he had sexual contact with a 14-year-old. Which would be appropriate only if he were a 14-year-old assistant district attorney. — Stephen Colbert
To defend himself, Moore went on the Hannity radio show to strongly … make things much worse. [plays clip] Hannity: “Do you remember dating girls that young at that time?” Moore: “Not generally, no.” Oh, no, not generally. But specifically, you betcha! — Stephen Colbert
According to a national poll, only 16 percent of Americans believe that Republican Alabama candidate Roy Moore should stay in the Senate race following allegations of sexual misconduct with teenagers. Sixteen percent, or as Moore calls it, “old enough percent.” — Seth Meyers
Meanwhile it’s been reported Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore would hang out in the mall in the ’80s and try to get teenagers’ phone numbers. He got a lot of numbers, but they were all for Jenny at 8675309. — Jimmy Fallon
Republicans are reportedly hoping that President Trump will pressure Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore to drop out of the race. And Roy Moore still might not drop out, but at least he’ll know what it’s like to be pressured by an older man. — Seth Meyers
Radio host Leeann Tweeden came forward and said Sen. Al Franken groped her without her consent. And she posted a photo as evidence. In fact, it’s so bad Franken’s already a front runner for president in 2020. — Jimmy Fallon
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is calling for an ethics investigation into accusations that Sen. Al Franken sexually assaulted a woman in 2006. Because Mitch McConnell absolutely will not stand for sexual harassment — by Democrats. — Seth Meyers
It just came out that as many as four elected officials have NOT been accused of sexual harassment. — Jimmy Fallon
Jeff Sessions testified again as part of the Russia investigation. And at one point, he was questioned about his stance on marijuana. You know, cuz it’s a little odd when a guy’s anti-weed, but seems to “forget” every conversation he’s ever had. — Jimmy Fallon
At one point Jeff Sessions regained his memory and said that the Trump campaign couldn’t collude with the Russians because it was a “form of chaos, every day from day one.” I believe him. That’s such a great alibi. “That campaign was such a turbulent crap storm, there’s no way we could’ve planned anything like that. We were far too disorganized to be evil.” — James Corden
The House passed the GOP backed tax plan today, which is very good news for billionaires and also just your average run-ofthe mill millionaires, too. The bill would shift the tax burden from the wealthy to people who really should be paying more, like college students. — Jimmy Kimmel
President Trump reportedly joked to House Republicans today that he only likes between 30 to 40 percent of them. His kids were like, “Don’t worry, he says that all of the time.” — Seth Meyers