Laugh Lines
Copycat
Wife: Have you had lunch? Husband: Have you had lunch?
Wife: I’m asking you. Husband: I’m asking you. Wife: Are you copying me? Husband: Are you copying me?
Wife: Let’s go shopping. Husband: I’ve had lunch.
Two halves
Teacher: Class, we will have only a half day of school this morning. Students: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon.
Little riddle
Q: Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s son?
A: His son. He’s a little Bigger.
Saving Jesus
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk wades into the water and walks up to the preacher.
The preacher, almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am!”
The preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
The preacher, shocked by the answer, dunks him again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk stammers, “No.”
The preacher is at his wits’ end. This time, he dunks him deep and holds him down until the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs about.
The preacher pulls him up and says, “For Lisa Denton the love of God, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath and says, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
Current events
From www.newsmax.com: ›
At this weekend’s London marathon, a man proposed to his girlfriend while dressed as a T. rex — which backfired when his arms were too short to open the ring box. — Jimmy Fallon ›
Two Republican Colorado lawmakers have introduced a bill that would punish teachers with jail time if they go on strike. Hey, these are public schoolteachers. You can’t scare them with jail. “So wait, no kids AND there’s a place to lie down? Sign me up.” — Seth Meyers ›
After being bitten by a shark last week, a Colorado man achieved a rare distinction of being attacked by a shark, bear and rattlesnake all within the last four years. Or as it was reported to the man, you’re not allowed back at the zoo. — Seth Meyers ›
Bookmakers are giving odds on the royal baby’s new name, and the name that came in dead last is “Wayne.” Which is too bad, because I’d love to hear the Royal Guards say, “Please rise for his royal highness, Lil Wayne.” — Conan O’Brien ›
This is Kate’s third child in just five years. When she heard that, Meghan Markle was like, “We’re not all expected to do that, are we?” — James Corden ›
According to a new report, Amazon is working on a robot that follows its owner around the house. It’s basically an Alexa on wheels. This is going to be a hot item. Here’s how you get one: You leave your Alexa and your Roomba alone in a bedroom and let nature take its course. — James Corden ›
I mean, did we need this? Is this something we asked for? Did anybody really ask for this? A robot that follows you around all day? Nobody was saying, “You know, I like my Alexa. I just wish it would follow me into the bathroom and stare at me while I shower.” — James Corden ›
I heard there’s a new Amazon Alexa coming out that’s made just for kids. After an hour of answering your kid’s nonstop questions, it just puts on a movie to shut them up. — Jimmy Fallon ›
Today Americans celebrated national Take Our Sons and Daughters to Work Day. Tomorrow kids will celebrate New Appreciation for Going to School Day. — Jimmy Fallon ›
Apparently, the library at the University of Utah has installed what they’re calling a “Cry Closet.” This is exactly what it sounds like. I promise this is true. It’s a closet where stressed-out students can go to cry. Because there’s nothing more comforting than being trapped in a tiny dark box. — James Corden ›
It’s going to be a shock when those students graduate. Take it from me, there are no “Cry Closets” out here in the real world. You will have to use your car in the McDonald’s parking lot like the rest of us. — James Corden ›
Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski bought a stake in a Kentucky Derby racehorse that was named after him. The million-dollar animal bred for its ability to run fast says he’s excited to own a share in a horse. — Conan O’Brien
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.