Laugh Lines
Punnies
A selection from http://pun.me/pages/funny-jokes.php:
› Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
› I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
› I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
› My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
› I’m so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.
› My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.
› Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
› A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says “They’re right behind you!”
› The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
› Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares their dogs.
› When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.
› My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “No it doesn’t”
› What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
› What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
› My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
› I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
› Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
› I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.
› What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
› A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
Current events
From www.newsmax.com:
› In Utah, a pair of twins were born [on Star Wars Day, May the Fourth], and their parents named them Luke and Leia. Everyone thought it was sweet, except for their other son — Jar Jar. — Jimmy Fallon
› A Colorado woman was tracked down by police after blowing up a microwave at 7-Eleven. Now, that’s not the crazy part — she did it while trying to heat a cup of urine. I sympathize with this woman, I know how it can be in the morning. I mean, don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my first cup of urine. — James Corden
› A woman in Colorado was cited for property damage after she used a 7-Eleven microwave to heat up a urine sample and it exploded. The 7-Eleven owner was like, “Lady, if you wanted hot urine, you could’ve just poured yourself a coffee.” — Jimmy Fallon
› Police found the woman at a nearby clinic where she was planning to take a drug test for a potential job. Imagine being the person testing this urine. “No signs of marijuana, but why is it 3,000 degrees?” — James Corden
› Over the weekend, Chip Gaines from the HGTV show “Fixer Upper” ran a marathon while wearing a tool belt. And now for the bad news — that’s ALL he wore. — Jimmy Fallon
› Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is funding a major effort to find extraterrestrial life. Zuckerberg said, “I truly believe somewhere out there is intelligent life whose personal data I can sell.” — Conan O’Brien
› In a new interview, billionaire Warren Buffett called Bitcoin “rat poison.” Which is an unfair comparison because people actually understand how rat poison works. — Conan O’Brien
› Teacher Appreciation Day is very special. It’s the one day each year when we tell our teachers that there’s no one we’re prouder of, and our teachers are like, “There’s no one OF WHOM you’re prouder.” — Jimmy Fallon
› And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw. — Jimmy Fallon
› A high school in Michigan has faced a backlash after announcing that female students who attend prom wearing revealing dresses will be given something called a “modesty poncho.” Yes, because we all know bare shoulders are the most dangerous thing threatening school kids these days. — James Corden
› This is supposed to promote wholesome values, like the wholesome scene of a 64-year-old shop teacher staring at a female student and saying, “Hey! You look way too hot tonight.” — James Corden
› Uber says it hopes to have flying cars in operation by 2020. It’s all part of their plan to help drunk people throw up faster. — Jimmy Fallon
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.