Jim Gaffigan walks into a bar … and narrates a shark movie
A guy walks into a bar and orders a lager.
That wasn’t me trying to set up a joke, but the story I’m about to tell you is still quite funny. That’s because the guy who walked into Suttree’s High Gravity Tavern on a recent Tuesday night was none other than Jim Gaffigan.
Yes, Jim Gaffigan — the Emmy-nominated, Grammy-nominated comedian and actor, who now has seven comedy specials.
Gaffigan is in town working on a project and was at Suttree’s for about 30 minutes before going to The Parlor at Maple Hall, where he spent the night cracking jokes at a shark movie on TV.
‘IS THAT JIM GAFFIGAN?’
I was sitting on the Harrogate’s Lounge side of Suttree’s when Gaffigan walked in around 10:30 p.m. He stood a few feet away from me with a small entourage and ordered a beer.
I instantly replayed his Hot Pockets bit in my head and sent a text message to my friend Kane. Kane is looking to start a comedy career of his own, and I asked if he wanted me to seek out any advice.
“Don’t,” he replied. “I know what he’d say. Just thank him for his service.”
But I didn’t get the chance. By the time Gaffigan finished a beer and took a few photos with fans, he was out the door and off to a less-crowded environment — The Parlor.
Sure, you may call it creepy. But being the curious reporter I am, I had to find out why he was there.
OK, you caught me. I’m also a curious fan.
I walked inside and
grabbed a seat at the bar. On one side of me was Gaffigan’s acquaintance, identified only as James. On the other side was Megan Gerlach, one of Gaffigan’s fans.
Gerlach said she saw Gaffigan at Suttree’s but didn’t get a chance to chat with him.
“People came up to me and told me he was there,” Gerlach said. “It was like a movie where I looked over their shoulder and saw him there and I didn’t know what to do.”
But maybe this would be her chance to meet him. Heck, maybe it would be my chance, too.
I leaned over to speak with James.
“Not to diminish your existence, but is that Jim Gaffigan?” I asked.
James joked that it was only someone who looked like him. Obviously, that was not the case.
I told James I am a reporter and asked if Gaffigan might be willing to talk about why he’s in town. James politely said he was “just trying to chill,” and since I had just ordered a drink, I decided to do the same.
‘MY OWN LITTLE SHOW’
Nothing says bar entertainment potted plants twice daily; water when soil is dry.
› Are the innermost branches of evergreens turning brown? Relax, that’s normal for summer.
› Harvest unsprayed rose hips and make tea or jam.
› If electrical storms are in the forecast, remember to turn off pond pumps.
› Keep pulling weeds as you see them — before they spew seeds around the garden. Then mulch the soil to prevent new ones from taking hold.
› Harvest beets when they’re 2 inches wide. Roast in foil and saute their greens separately for two side dishes from one plant.
› Remove diseased foliage from plants and place in the trash.
› Keep deadheading annuals and perennials.
like having a movie on TV. And while I say that with a bit of sarcasm, it actually turned out to be the case that Tuesday.
While FX is not affiliated with the official Shark Week, the station was nonetheless playing “The Shallows.”
Someone asked what was on TV.
“It’s the Blake Lively movie,” Gaffigan said. “THE Blake Lively movie.”
The emphasis on the word “the” made everyone laugh, as if “The Shallows” were her major claim to fame.
As the shark prowled the waters looking to attack a stranded Lively, Gaffigan began to commentate.
“What’s that blood all about Blake,” he said. “She’s covered in fake blood. Sharks love fake blood.”
Everyone pitched in their own lines, jokingly trying to make sense of a nonsensical film. I like to think my “Blake Deadly” remark garnered a giggle.
“I really enjoyed it because it was nice to see (Gaffigan) be himself freely and being funny still,” Gerlach said. “I got my own little show right there.” Many will reward you with repeat blooms.
› Divide Japanese and Siberian iris.
› Move potted tropicals and outdoor houseplants to a shady spot to help prepare them for their move indoors early next month.
› Take cuttings of geraniums and wax begonias, and root indoors now. Care for them as houseplants until spring, then plant outdoors in pots or directly in the garden.
› Clean up fallen fruit from around trees to prevent disease and discourage rodents and other pests.
› Harvest onions when their tops flop over, then allow them to cure in the sun for a few days.
› Divide and transplant peonies, keeping eyes no more than an inch or two
As Oscar Jaenada’s character sprinted toward an unconscious Lively on the beach, Gaffigan joked about the actor’s similarities to Broadway star Lin-Manuel Miranda.
“I’m about to fill in for Hamilton — I got to run,” Gaffigan said.
The film begins winding down when Jaenada approaches Lively, who starts coughing up water.
“Looks like I don’t have to buy you any drinks,” Gaffigan said.
Gaffigan’s intimate performance finished when the movie did, as Lively’s character decides to surf again.
“Should I go back in?” Gaffigan said. “Maybe no. I’m going to spitball an idea and say don’t go in.”
A NIGHT WELL SPENT
When Gerlach was ready to leave, she waited patiently to approach Gaffigan. Gerlach said he is one of her two favorite comedians and that she frequently listens to his Pandora station. She also grew up watching his specials.
“Part of what I really enjoy about his comedy is how he delivers it and the inflections he uses,” Gerlach said. “And he was really nice. He didn’t seem to mind me coming up to him.”
When I was ready to leave, however, I did just that — no handshake, no photo, no conversation. Do I regret it? Yeah, a little.
My night still went far better than planned, though, and that’s no joke.
Details about Gaffigan’s current project have not been released. Gaffigan’s most recent stand-up special, Noble Ape, was released July 13.
Ryan Wilusz is a reporter for the Knoxville News Sentinel. beneath the soil.
› If you’d like to relocate spring-flowering bulbs, transplant them now.
› Divide crowded day lilies.
› It’s time to renovate the lawn: Rake out dead patches, aerate, apply compost and seed. Water deeply once, then sprinkle lightly twice a day until filled in.
› If houseplants vacationing outdoors for the summer have outgrown their containers, repot now.
› Collect seeds from day lilies, Cleomes, Rose Campions and other podding plants. Store in a paper envelope in the fridge, away from fruit, until spring.
› Place your spring bulb orders now, before your selections sell out.