Laugh Lines
Remember
Five things to think about for Labor Day:
Labor Day celebrates the contribution of workers to our economy. We celebrate it by not working.
You get the day off, but that means you have to do 40 hours of work in 32 hours.
At least the pressure to have fun this summer is finally over.
And you don’t have to keep trying to lose weight to fit in your swimsuit.
Just try not to think about how your next holiday isn’t until Thanksgiving.
Labor Day labor
The boss told Jack he was going to have to work on Labor Day. Halfway through the day, he came in and caught Jack having a beer.
The boss said, “You can’t drink while you’re working.”
Jack said, “Oh, don’t worry. I’m not working.”
Presto!
In the week before Labor Day, Eli, a dirt-poor country farmer won half a million dollars in the lottery. To celebrate, he treated his wife and their four kids to a trip to see the Labor Day parade in New York.
He booked them rooms in a fancy hotel in the heart of the city. They’d never been anywhere like New York before. In fact, they’d never traveled further afield than their local town, so when they got there they were completely bowled over by all the glitz, glamour and excitement of the Big Apple.
Eli and his son, Clem, were particularly mesmerized by a shiny box with silver walls in the hotel lobby. They’d never before come across doors that could move apart and then automatically close again, as neither had seen an elevator before. So they were totally amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the doors closed on her. The lights on the wall by the doors flashed for a minute or so, then the doors opened and out stepped a beautiful young woman.
Eli turned to Clem and said, “Son, go get your mother.”
Work quickies
Q: Why did the taxi driver quit his job?
A: He was tired of people talking behind his back.
Q: Why did the IRS agent quit his job?
A: Because it was too taxing.
Q: Why did the drill operator quit?
A: The job was just boring.
Q: Why did the worker at the calendar factory get fired?
A: He took a couple of days off.
Q: Why did the employee at the M&M’s factory lose his job?
A: He kept throwing out all the W’s.
Work wisdom
No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early. — Groucho Marx
A consultant is a man who knows 157 ways to make love, but doesn’t know any women. — Anonymous
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he’s supposed to be doing at that moment. — Robert Benchley
It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all. — James Thurber
It’s true that hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? — Ronald Reagan
Personally, I have nothing against work, particularly when performed, quietly and unobtrusively, by someone else. — Barbara Ehrenreich
Being a couch potato is not the same as being a failure. Being a failure implies that you were actually trying to do something. — Anonymous
Wheaties: the breakfast of champions and the dinner of the unemployed. — Ruminations.com
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. — Jerome K. Jerome
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. — Oscar Wilde
No one’s dream job involves a kiosk. — Damien Fahey
Work is the greatest thing in the world. So we should always save some of it for tomorrow. — Don Herold
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important. — Bertrand Russell
On applications, where it asks if you’ve ever committed a felony, I like to write in, “Is lying on an application a felony?” — Guy Endore-Kaiser
Labor Day is a holiday honoring those who work for a living. Laborious Day is a lesser known holiday honoring those who cannot stop talking about their work. — Lemony Snicket
When a man tells you he got rich through hard work, ask him whose? — Don Marquis
I truly believe the wireless mouse was invented so people at work had one less thing to hang themselves with. — Mike Vanatta
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life:
Number 1: Cover for me.
Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss!
Number 3: It was like that when I got here. — Homer Simpson
I do not like work even when someone else does it. — Mark Twain