CELEBRATING CAREGIVERS

Sometimes the helpers need a little help themselves.

An astounding three-fourths of caregiving support in the U.S. comes from family members. They're everywhere yet often feel isolated. They help others while craving help themselves. Meet five of these 44 million heroes.

Sharon Urbina

Carlos Urbina met future wife Sharon after his first tour of duty in Iraq in 2003. After his second Iraq tour, they married. Then, "I gradually noticed his core personality began to shift,” she says—the effects of PTSD and a severe traumatic brain injury. By 2015, the once productive, upbeat 16-year Marine Corps veteran was suicidal.

Sharon guided Carlos through two hospitalizations and ongoing extensive therapies. Now 37, he studies at Louisiana’s Southeastern University and volunteers in equestrian therapy and as a YMCA Reach and Rise mentor. Sharon, 35, still handles all their finances and decisionmaking, as well as tasks like night driving and shopping (which overwhelm Carlos’ still-healing mental health).

What’s hard: “Reframing our expectations of what life ‘should be’ to what it is—and finding happiness and contentment there,” says Sharon, who advocates for mental-health support in the Marine Corps as a 2018 Elizabeth Dole Fellow.

What helps: “My saving grace has been my support systems.”

Sarah and Daniel Reiners

Five kids keep any parent hopping. When two have chromosomal disorders, you gallop. Sarah and Daniel Reiners’ youngest, 8-year-old Sophie, has Turner syndrome and trisomy 10. A wheelchair user, with a feeding tube to be managed and diapers to change, she had open-heart surgery at 2 and spine surgery for scoliosis at 4. Third-born son Kade, 13, has Down syndrome and speech/learning disabilities. (Rounding out the clan: Dylan, 22, Evan, 15, and Abigale, 10.)

Himself a disabled Army veteran, Daniel quit his welding trade as Sophie’s needs mounted. He now has more flexible hours guiding outdoor trips near their Bemidji, Minn., home. His employer, Cedar Swamp Guides, also works with other vets and specialneeds families. What’s hard: “Just juggling everything,” says Daniel.

What helps: “Connecting with other parents.” Sarah started Northern Minnesota Special Kids United to swap tips. She cherishes that its 370plus members “all can relate.”

Loretta Woodward Veney

Working 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. at the Department of Homeland Security suits Loretta Veney perfectly. “I’m a morning girl, and my mother is not,” says the training services contractor. By 2:30, she arrives at the group home in Clinton, Md., where her 89-year-old mother, Doris, lives.

Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2006, Doris hasn’t recognized her daughter since 2013. But she loves building Lego structures with her, taking walks or listening to Amazon’s Alexa read. (“She can’t follow the stories, but she’s mesmerized by her voice.”)

“I play along because I want her to be calm and happy,” says Veney, who’s 59 and has self-published a memoir, Being

My Mom’s Mom, to fill a gap in accounts of African-American adult children finding positives amid the grief of dementia.

What’s hard: “I’m stunned that my mother has outlived my sister and my husband.”

What helps: “I try to focus on what she can still do, not what she can’t.”

Chris Chytka

As a kindergartner, Olivia Chytka once puzzled over a photo of a vibrant blonde standing beside her dad. “Who’s that lady?” she asked. “That really tore our hearts,” remembers Chris Chytka, 44, of Aumsville, Ore. The blond woman, Olivia’s mom and his wife, Kara, has been a wheelchair user or bedridden since their daughter was just 1. Olivia’s now a high school senior.

Despite initial improvements during treatment for chronic Lyme disease, a series of setbacks in 2001 left Kara mentally sharp but on a ventilator and feeding tube for nearly a decade. For 10 years, she’s communicated mainly through eye-tracking technology and facial cues. Chris, a former pipe-fitting apprentice, became a full-time caregiver in 2008, paid by an Oregon Medicaid program. “I’ve kept her home to keep our family together,” he says. In addition to Olivia, he’s raised Brianna, 21 (above right), and Taylor, 19.

What’s hard: “Depression and losing your identity as a person. Also the lack of intimacy—not sexual, just human touch and the connection with another adult.” He started a Facebook group to talk about these tough issues with other caregivers. What helps: “Finally realizing I can’t do it all myself and learning to ask for help.”