Laugh Lines
Complimentary trip to jail
The police officer pulled over a car, suspecting the driver was drunk. He ordered the man to get out.
“You’re staggering,” said the officer.
“You’re not so bad yourself,” said the drunk.
Dispatcher logs
These are supposedly true call transcripts to 911 emergency service centers.
Dispatcher: 911. What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table, and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it! Dispatcher: 911. Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Dang. I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from
the cops. Dispatcher: 911. What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine-eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it. Dispatcher:
This is nine-eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-oneone.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am, nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid. Dispatcher: 911. What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her
first child?
Caller: No, this is her husband! Dispatcher: 911. Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess. Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering: Does the Fire Department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir. Do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I’ve spent the last four hours trying to put these chains on my tires and … well … do you think the fire department could come over and help me? Dispatcher: Help you
what? Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 911. What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I’m wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Silent treatment
A husband and wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The man was leaving for a business trip early the next morning and realized he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. to catch his flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5 a.m.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man awoke to discover it was 9 a.m. and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. It read: It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Modern definitions
Better definitions for everyday words from dumpaday.com: › Pets (noun):
only members of your The family you actually like. › Vegetarian (noun):
From a Latin phrase, originally meaning “really bad hunter.” ›
Feet (noun): A device used for finding Legos in the dark. › Laziness (noun):
Risking dropping everything you carry rather than walking twice.
› Cellphone (noun): A device used for looking less alone while in public places by yourself. › Web MD (proper
noun): A website that will cause you to turn a mild cold into a deadly disease that will kill within the next 24 hours. › Irony (noun):
Drawing trees on paper. ›
Synonym (noun): A word used in place of the one you can’t spell. › Happiness (noun):
When you roll onto the warm spot your laptop left in your bed. Also see: loneliness. › Group project
(noun): Time when you relax and watch someone who cares do all the work. › Poor (adjective):
When you have too much month at the end of the money.
› Teacher (noun): A person who helps you solve problems you’d never have without them. ›
Latte (noun): Italian for “you paid too much for that coffee.” ›
Study (verb): The act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby. ›
Friend (noun): One of the many strangers on Facebook. › School reunion
(noun): A meeting where it takes you only 20 seconds to realize why you haven’t seen these people for 20 years.
Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.