Laugh Lines
High noon
An Old West dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough-looking scoundrels playing poker, and he musters up enough courage to sit down with them, thinking he might get a story out if he is lucky.
“Mind if I play?” he asks.
The others look up with a scowl that would curdle milk, but one looks at the clock and shakes his head. He points out the time to the others, and they gather up their chips and go.
“Play alone. We’re leaving; Wild Bill’s coming to town.”
The writer is confused, but smells a story brewing. He hoofs it up to the bar, passing most other patrons on their way out, and slaps a whole dollar bill on the table, “Barkeep, give me a beer and a story, and you can keep the change.”
After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shakes his head, pours the beer and pushes the bill back to the reporter.
“The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town.”
Without another word, the bartender puts his last glass away and walks right out the swinging doors, leaving the reporter in an empty bar.
Now fear in his gut tears at him as he hears the emptiness in that bar. This emptiness seems to seep in as he realizes that he’s about to be the last man in this town, alone with only the sound of that ticking clock to keep him company. Still, a story of this caliber must be worth something. So he waits.
Just as the clock strikes the first chime of 12, a sound like thunder splitting a mountain is heard outside. The reporter runs to the doors to see what it is. In the distance and closing fast is a whirlwind of dust coming right for the bar. The reporter hits the ground and watches as the whirlwind comes up to the bar and stops.
The wind settles and there is a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He steps off the bear, and instead of hitching it, he punches the great beast right in the face, knocking it cold on the ground.
The reporter is so scared he runs back into the bar and dives behind the counter, sure that this is the last of his days. The giant kicks in the saloon doors, and they turn to splinters, embedding into the walls and breaking bottles and glasses as they fly across the room.
The man walks up to the bar, breaking every floor board with each thundering step. He looks down at the reporter and slams his fist on the bar, cracking it down the middle, “GIMME A DRINK!”
The reporter comes up, shakily holding out two bottles of whiskey. The giant snatches them up, bites the tops off and drinks down as fast as the amber liquid can spill from the bottles. He throws both bottles in the air, whips out his six-shooter and fires off a round. The single bullet rips through both bottles, showering the reporter with shards of glass.
Regretting his curiosity and repenting of his life, the reporter stands on weakened legs and whimpers out, “W-w-wwould y-you like a-another drink?”
The man turns to him, fire in his eyes, then glances at the clock. “Nah, I gotta go. Wild Bill’s comin’ to town.”
Quackers
› What time does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn. ›
Why do ducks never grow up? Because they grow down. › What side of a duck has the most feathers? The outside. ›
Why was the duck put in the basketball game? To make a fowl shot. › What says “quick, quick”? A duck with the hiccups.
One more
A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, “Do you have any ChapStick?”
The pharmacist hands it over, and the duck says, “Thanks, just put it on my bill.”
Digestion aid
A hungry lion roamed through the jungle looking for his next meal when he came upon two men. One man was sitting under a tree reading a book. The other man was writing in a notebook.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that reader’s digest and writer’s cramp.
Tweet tweet
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle.
Then I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
Name game
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything (from thefunnybeaver.com as seen on Pinterest):
Stamps = Lickie Stickie
Defibrillators = Hearty Starty
Bumblebees = Fuzzy Buzzy
Pregnancy test = Maybe Baby
Bra = Breastie Nestie Fork = Stabby Grabby Socks - Feetie Heatie Hippo = Floatie Boatie
Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy
Active napping
Mom to her college student, “Honey, are you getting enough sleep?”
Child: “Sometimes when I sneeze, my eyes close.”
Quote of note
“That’s what.” — She