The Braves’ local savior, unfair horse play, what would you name your potato

The Atlanta Braves celebrated with a few hundred thousand of their closest friends throughout the streets of downtown ATL on Friday.

It was their second World Series title, and it was a genuine surprise to even the most die-hard members of Braves nation.

That said, for those of us who grew up as our father’s remote control and were well versed on getting to Channel 17 to hear Skip and Pete do the Braves game, I hope there’s one name with bona fide Chattanooga connections that will be at least thought of in the afterglow of winning it all.

Ted Turner, McCallie class of 1956, was a longtime owner of the Braves, and if not for Turner and the way he used baseball as programming for his fledgling networks — a business model that completely changed sports and launched TBS, TNT and CNN — the Braves would almost assuredly have left Atlanta long ago.

Turner kept the ship sailing when the Braves were easily the worst team in baseball and right there among the worst franchises in sports.

So celebrate, Braves fans, you’ve earned it. But know that if not for Turner, you’d likely be cheering for a team in a different city.

HORSE PLAY

So, the most notorious horse punching since Mongo in “Blazing Saddles” has now led to a complete shift in one of the oldest Olympics sports.

The modern pentathlon was marred earlier this summer when a German coach punched a horse carrying a German rider when the animal refused to jump.

That punch and subsequent outrage got the German coach booted from the Olympics. As it should.

But because we’re never able to just punish the pea-brained goofs who commit these acts of stupidity, Olympics officials are now changing everything involved in a century-old competition.

The modern pentathlon is not a track-and-field endeavor. It’s a combined scoring event of riding, running, shooting, fencing and swimming created by baron Pierre de Coubertin, who wanted to identify the complete sportsman or sportswoman. He may have shaped the training methods for the CIA or the British Secret Service along the way, too.

Now, the horse riding part will be removed, most likely replaced with bike riding, in an effort to get past the controversy and to be “relevant to global youth” moving forward.

Fat chance. If the modern pentathlon wants to be liked by the youth of today, it a) needs to be a video game, and b) needs way more violence than a German woman punching an uncooperative horse.

HOT POTATO

OK, so a couple in Australia have named their newest addition Doug, and the not-so-little fella has a couple of numeric anomalies.

First, freshly born Doug weighs more than 17 pounds. Second, he has dozens of eyes.

Yes, Doug is arguably the world’s largest potato. By more than a little — he checks in at 17.4 pounds, and the previous Guinness World Record holder was an unnamed spud at roughly 11 pounds, as we await verification.

Great, hash browns for all of Hixson.

That said, a giant-sized potato needs a better name than Doug, right?

I mean, no offense to the Dougs out there, but c’mon.

I’d start with Mr. Potato — or Mister Potato, so he’s hip with the younger crowd — as long as copyright details did not intrude.

I’d also consider Mo Potato.

Or you could name him after erstwhile undersized dunk champ Anthony “Spud” Webb.