Good relationship becomes nightmare
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship for five years. It started out wonderful, but now I’m having second thoughts. He keeps putting my kids down and telling me I’m a bad mother. It’s so bad he has even put a knife to my throat. And, yes, he hits me.
I always have his back. However, I don’t see him having mine. I need help, but I don’t know what to do. He has isolated me from my family and friends. Please help me. — LOST AND AFRAID IN THE EAST
DEAR LOST: The man you are involved with is a dangerous abuser. What you must do next is quietly contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233 or visiting thehotline.org for help.
Warning Signs of an Abuser list of classic indicators:
› PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
› JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.
› CONTROLLING: If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
› UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
› ISOLATION: Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
› BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.
› MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says,
“You make me angry” instead of “I am angry,” or says, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”
› HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
› CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.
› “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
› VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
› RIGID ROLE OF DOMINANCE: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
› SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
› PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.
› THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn’t really mean it.”