Why do we want the person who doesn’t want us?
You like someone. (Yay!) They like you. (Double yay!) You continue liking this person … and invest a little more. This person then seems to pull back. You wonder why and push a little. This person continues to pull back even more. You get anxious and obsess over everything you’ve said and done. Sadly, in dating, this is a too-common occurrence.
Why might a person’s feelings actually grow (in truth, it’s usually the anxiety talking) the less someone reciprocates those feelings? There are a few theories on this:
1. Over-investment: A principle on which our minds work is reciprocity. If we do something for someone, even if we haven’t asked for something in return, we subconsciously expect the person to do something in return of about equal value. These things could range from a drink or dinner to something as simple as a text response.
When someone does not reciprocate, however, rather than retreating, we instead tend to over-invest in the hopes of the other person responding. (“Well, if I just text again, it’ll show how much I really care.”) And then once we’ve invested more, the amount of reciprocation required, in our minds anyway, goes up.
In a good, stable relationship, there is a mutual exchange of energy and support between partners.
2. Perceived value and scarcity: The less someone responds or reciprocates to one’s advances, the more perceived value the pursuer thinks this person has, so we try harder since this person must really be “worth it” if they are in such high demand (in other words, this person is a scarce resource). And often, the higher we perceive this other person’s value, the lower we perceive our own.
This person’s lack of response, though, should not imply a higher value. Rather, at its simplest, it should imply a lack of proper communication (“I’m simply not interested”) or just rudeness.
I once had a client text me a question, and I replied immediately … as I generally do. Rather than thanking me for the quick response, he instead said, “Don’t you have anything better to do than to text me back?” First of all, no — this is my job! But in his mind, my value went down because I was more available. That’s backward. Let’s reward people for showing interest (in this case, in a work setting, but we’re talking about dating here) and giving timely responses.
3. Defense mechanisms: If there are 10 people you can “get” or “date,” and there’s one person you can’t, some people will go for the unattainable because there will be no accountability for it not working.
Let’s say you date someone who actually likes you, and after a number of months, the relationship ends. It’s no one’s fault, but you took an active role. If you chase the unattainable, though, you can never say that you took that active role. Rather, you never made it to the point of the relationship and thereby never allowed yourself to succeed or fail.
4. Lost possibilities and potential: If things were going swimmingly and then someone changes the cadence of communication (as in, used to text daily but now texts every three days), many people will bank on the thought, “I know what it could be like … because it was.” Rather than accepting the current status, they dwell on the past and try — often futilely — to get things back to the way they were at the pinnacle. But we can’t, and that’s hard to understand sometimes.
5. Science: The brain’s happy drug is dopamine. Our brain craves this feeling. So, by going for someone we know we can’t have — or we can only have sometimes — our brains love the unpredictability because the highs are higher. This is why “breadcrumbing” has entered our lexicon. Our brain says, “Yes! We want this!” With the extra dopamine, though, comes added anxiety. “When is he going to text?” “I haven’t heard from her in three days, and I know she’s back from her weekend trip by now.” Is that a worthwhile tradeoff? I say no.
In all, it’s best to devote time and energy to what you do have and not what you don’t … or can’t. It’ll save time, energy and heartache in the end.