How do I get my spouse to stop putting me down?
Note: Various colleagues are filling in while First Things First President and CEO Lauren Hall is on maternity leave. The following was written by Chris Ownby and published at firstthings.org in August of 2020.
There are not many feelings worse than when someone puts you down, insults you or invalidates you. And a putdown from your own spouse is like a straight-up punch to the psyche. It’s amazing how easy it is to hurt the ones we love the most with our words, but what do you do if you are the one on the receiving end of the verbal blows?
This issue has a certain level of complexity to it, which means we have to approach it with care. Many spouses deliver verbal shots and put-downs to their spouse, unaware of the harm it’s doing. This is Situation A.
Others are well aware and intentional with the harm. This is Situation B. Understand that certain situations of verbal/emotional put-downs may be verbal abuse and often accompany (or are a precursor to) physical abuse.
WHAT TO WATCH FOR
Healthline.com gives some red flags to the characteristics of verbal abuse:
› They insult you or attempt to humiliate you, but then they accuse you of being overly sensitive.
› They yell or scream at you frequently.
› The person plays the victim while they try to make you feel guilty. (“I wouldn’t have to scream at you if you didn’t …”)
› They get in your personal space as an act of intimidation or try to block you from moving away.
› They gaslight you. This means they manipulate you into questioning your own version of events in order to gain more power. For example, they may convince you to doubt your memory of them saying or doing something violent or try to convince you you’re crazy.
› They hit the wall or throw things.
› They want credit for not having hit you.
WHAT TO ASK YOURSELF
Sincerely ask yourself the following questions:
› Do I believe my spouse is putting me down with the intention to harm me, wear me down or manipulate me?
› Do I think there is a possibility the verbal attacks could lead to physical violence?
› If I were to voice my concerns for how they talk to me, is there any fear that they would react with a heated backlash?
Unless you can answer each of these questions with a confident no, these are strong indicators of verbal/emotional abuse and warning signals for possible physical abuse. Do not confront your spouse. Go somewhere safe and seek help.
WHEN AND HOW TO RESPOND
Let’s talk about Situation A. Your spouse puts you down, but they are unaware of how it’s making you feel. They are being careless with the words they use toward you — perhaps in front of the kids. But despite the unintentionality of what they say, you still feel devalued. It’s time to let them know how you feel.
Ask them if this is a good time to talk. And if it’s not, arrange a time, preferably within the next 24 hours. Don’t bring up your feelings right after they say something hateful; your emotions will be dialed up, and you want to be calm and able to think clearly when you talk. Choose a time when neither of you is tired or in a bad mood.
Be specific about what you hear and how you feel. Make good use of “I” messages. For instance, “There have been many times when I’ve felt really undervalued and unloved when you’ve said certain things to me.” Name your feelings —beforehand, jot down some specific words that describe how it feels when your spouse puts you down.
If it happens in front of your kids or other people, point out that it feels embarrassing or shameful. You may have to give them an example of what they’ve said. Describe the last incident and the effect it had on you. Avoid giving a laundry list of all the past wrongs they’ve done to you, though.
The point of addressing this with your spouse is to help them be aware that they are putting you down and the negative effect it has on your feelings.
Set boundaries. Let your spouse know that if they continue to ignore warning signs and keep putting you down, you’ll simply leave the room when they say something disparaging. You do not need to yell, argue or make threats. You set up boundaries to protect yourself, not punish others.
Marriage cannot thrive in an environment of disrespect and insults. And no one deserves to be put down by their spouse. The above steps are a process that may take time before you see real change. Sometimes it takes one person in the marriage to lead the charge toward getting help and improving the relationship before the other realizes the need for change.