TAX DAY COMETH — D.C. TAXES US TO THE END
In a hilarious April Fool joke, Congress (the rich men north of Richmond) assures us that they spend our tax dollars wisely. Then they send us to go do our taxes for the April 15 due date. Congress is about as funny as an IRS audit.
I have an MBA, worked at Goldman Sachs for years, predicted Three Card Monty with 25% accuracy in Times Square and pretty much understand the theme of “Game of Thrones.” But I cannot make rhyme or reason out of what I owe and how to file.
Taxes are intentionally made confusing, maybe so government can get any of us, for anything, any time it chooses.
We have a system where we send them money all year, and they keep it. Then we try to figure out this fourmillion-word, Byzantine tax code. Government gives us no help. Just try to get sensible help on the phone. It is like talking to someone at a McDonald’s drive-through who is trying to explain to you why the ice cream machine is always down.
We file our return, praying that we got it close. Then the government magnanimously (sometimes) sends us some money back. And the dumb among us think they won the game.
I see by my federal tax bill I owe $7,589 (with penalties) to Ukraine for 2023, and it looks like they are getting ready to bill me for a bridge in Baltimore.
There are a few deficit hawks left in Congress. Georgia Republican Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, whose career has risen above many controversies, is one of them. She filed a motion to oust House Speaker Johnson over this porkfilled budget.
It really disgusts me when people cheat on taxes. I do not want to live in a country that does that; it does not set a good example to the 38 kids I claim as dependents.
Only half of the people in our country pay taxes. Those people are called Republicans. The top 50% of taxpayers pay 97.7% of taxes. And — get this — they are called “greedy” and accused of “not wanting to pay their fair share.” The top 1% of taxpayers pay 45.8% of all federal income tax.
My buddy P.J. O’Rourke aptly described it: “Then there was communism’s weak-tea sister, socialism. Socialists maintained that we shouldn’t take all the money away from all the people since all the people don’t have money. We should take all the money away from only the people who make money. Then, when we run out of that, we could take more money from the people who … hey, wait! Where’d you people go? What do you mean you’re ‘tax exiles in Monaco?’”
Just a little quick math. A rich person makes $100 million in his life. He or she (if Oprah) is taxed at about 40%, so he or she has $60 million after taxes to spend. When he dies, he will owe another 40% estate tax over a certain exempt amount. The feds again get another 40% of what is left, or about $20 million. For those keeping score at home, for $100 million the individual’s family keeps $40 million and government gets $60 million.
This does not count local, state and gift taxes. Of course, northern Dems help out their hedge fund buddies with the carveout of the “carried interest rule.” In short, the fat cats pay no taxes as they make the money. Essentially the same loopholes are given to tech oligarchs.
But do not cheat; if you’re right of center, you will get audited. The difference between cheating on your taxes and cheating on your wife is that if you get caught, the IRS will still want to screw you.
Thankfully, my CPA handles everything for me. I had to fire the last guy in 2001. He seemed to know what he was doing, punching up my numbers intensely on his calculator. But upon closer observation, I noticed that it was just an old VCR remote clicker.
Now if you will excuse me, I must prepare for my inevitable audit.