MARCH MADNESS AND TIGER’S DRIVING
Note: This is a satirical article. March Madness just ended with Purdue losing big to formidable Connecticut in the championship game. You know how they make up hats and T-shirts before a big game, one with Purdue as the winner and the other Connecticut? Then they ship the losing team’s T-shirts to Third World countries. This year Joe Biden told them just to leave the shirts at the border and the “newcomers” would pick them up on the way into our country.
Tiger Woods is fighting pain to play in the Masters this year. His is a cautionary tale of fame, mistakes and redemption. I am pulling for him.
A winner of five green jackets, Woods’ most recent win at Augusta National came in an extraordinary performance at the age of 43 in 2019. He is tickling 50 now, battling injuries and personal foibles.
It was a tough decade for Tiger. His wife, Elin, caught him when he fell asleep and she saw his text messages. She allegedly chased Tiger out of the driveway with a 9-iron (she felt an 8-iron was too much club). Tiger reportedly hit a tree running from her in his car, and eight more bimbos fell out. His life spiraled downward.
Elin filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable waitresses.
Then they settled, as all divorces do once the lawyers figured they had billed all they could bill. The couple seems to get along well now, both attending son Charlie’s award ceremony recently for winning a high school golf championship.
It is fun to see their son Charlie do so well in golf. Imagine how well Charlie could do in golf and commercials if he became a Woods who understood how to erase text messages.
After the divorce, Tiger hurt his back (I think by picking up too many waitresses). He reportedly went to both sex addiction and drug rehab. He actually went to four sex rehab programs, but he made sure they didn’t find out about each other.
When Tiger staged his first comeback, he played terribly. He seemed unable to drive a golf ball or a car.
The difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 295 yards without hitting a tree.
He got pulled over for DUI while he was reportedly on pain meds. The charge was dismissed because he said he was just swerving to miss a tree. It turned out the “tree” was the air freshener hanging on his rearview mirror, but it held up in Florida.
More recently, Tiger got shaken down again by a hostess he was dating. He reportedly locked her out of his house, and she made trouble. There is another lesson Tiger could pass on to his son. It often takes more than a 60-degree sand wedge to get rich and famous men out of some traps.
To his credit, Tiger handled his problems with class. He didn’t go crying to Oprah or Dr. Phil. He never dated a Kardashian. He admitted his mistakes and seemed sincere. There are no winners when our sports heroes whimper and blame on TV like Prince Harry and Meghan.
Trump became friends with Tiger in Florida. And when it was hot, Trump advised golfers to take the $800 million for the LIV Tour. Trump was right. And as we know with Trump, he usually ends up being right about things, which gets him impeached or indicted.
Tiger playing in the Masters is good for golf and for America. He just needs to get someone else to drive for him.