Chicago Sun-Times (Sunday)

TRAVEL TURBULENCE

Can vacationin­g together ruin a relationsh­ip? And tips on keeping that from happening.

- BY DAVID OLIVER

If you’ve watched HBO’s “The White Lotus,” you know vacations sometimes can go awry. Over cocktails on the beach, away from the monotony of work and kids, you and your partner might realize what makes you most — or least — compatible.

“You learn some of the nuances or quirks about a person’s personalit­y when you’re traveling with them, for certain,” says Moe Ari Brown, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

Does that mean vacationin­g together could end a relationsh­ip?

Vacations certainly can help us learn a lot about relationsh­ips, experts say, but they don’t necessaril­y make or break relationsh­ips on their own.

What does a vacation tell us?

Different people have different expectatio­ns. “Some wish to relax and unwind,” says Laura Petiford, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Others seek adventure, learning or discovery, or a combinatio­n of these things.”

Our partners might have hidden aspects of their personalit­ies — but that’s not always bad.

“Take the new things that you’re learning as informatio­n,” Brown says. “But try not to be in judgment of those things.”

Pay attention to your partner’s behavior. “When traveling with a partner, I pay close attention to how they treat workers such as hotel staff, vendors and tour guides,” says Melody Li, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Inclusive Therapists. “Their attitude towards people working in service of travelers offers a lot of insight into their values, especially because traveling is a privilege and luxury that many cannot afford.”

Are vacations a ‘test’ for relationsh­ips?

“The stakes are higher because vacations often involve an investment of time and money and are typically a distance from home putting both parties out of their element in a shared space for a fixed amount of time,” Petiford says. “There are usually significan­t expectatio­ns around vacations. And too often it is assumed that the other person is on the same page, which can be problemati­c.”

But don’t necessaril­y think of vacations like pressure cookers or be-all, end-all answers regarding a relationsh­ip’s health.

“Living together might be like a pressureco­oker, whereas vacation is like cooking your rice in a pot,” Brown says.

Still, Petiford says, “If you aren’t already living together, this can be an abrupt change.”

How couples can prepare for a vacation

Communicat­e, communicat­e, communicat­e. “Try to understand what your partner is looking for out of the experience as best you can, and be sure to express what it is you want out of the time away,” Petiford says. Brown recommends planning your itinerary together and troublesho­oting in advance what problems might come up, like deciding on transporta­tion and meals.

“THERE ARE USUALLY SIGNIFICAN­T EXPECTATIO­NS AROUND VACATIONS. AND TOO OFTEN IT IS ASSUMED THAT THE OTHER PERSON IS ON THE SAME PAGE, WHICH CAN BE PROBLEMATI­C.” LAURA PETIFORD, therapist

◆ Remember that a vacation can’t fix what’s not working at home. “Couples may have a great time while traveling and feel a harsher impact of falling back into a slump when returning home,” Li says. “Vacations can be the sprinkles on top of a relationsh­ip if the foundation of connection and intimacy is consistent­ly maintained.”

◆ Save some issues for when you get home. It might be best to set aside concerns for when you return — when you do, be specific about them. “Once you are clear, have a conversati­on with your partner, stating how you felt when specific behaviors occurred, making sure to ask for what you need instead,” Petiford says. “We are much more likely to get our needs met if we ask for what it is we want.”

◆ It’s OK to be nervous. “I want to remind anybody who’s going on a trip with their partner for the first time that it’s the first time, and there can be so much anxiety, so many expectatio­ns, so much newness wrapped up into going on a vacation for the first time, a lot of pressure for it to go perfect,” Brown says.

But don’t let it ruin the potential for fun. Brown says: “A lot of times, the pressure of that can get to us, and then we show up more anxious or fearful than we would’ve liked.”

MOON ALERT: There are no restrictio­ns to shopping

or important decisions today. The full moon peaks in Leo at 12:29 p.m.

IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Soccer’s Cristiano Ronaldo (1985) shares your birthday today. You are intelligen­t, organized and a great communicat­or. You like to be busy; and you like to help others. You also love to learn. Keep your options open this year and be ready to change directions if opportunit­ies present themselves to you. It’s time to explore something new.

Aries (March 21-April 19): You want to socialize today and explore sports events and fun activities with kids.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You might feel a clash between home and family versus career and reputation.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Pay attention to everything you say and do because this is an accident-prone day.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Money disputes might come to a head. If at odds with a group, keep a low profile.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Today is the only Full Moon in Leo all year. Naturally, you will feel this buildup of energy.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Today’s Full Moon might wreak havoc with your work, your health, even your pet.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Today’s Full Moon creates an accident-prone situation for your kids.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Today you’re pulled between the demands of home and family versus the demands of your career and public reputation.

Sagittariu­s (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Be careful. This is an accident-prone day. Pay attention to everything you do.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Money disputes about the education or care of children, or the cost of a social event might arise today.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The only Full Moon opposite your sign all year has arrived. This will promote disputes.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): The energy of the Full Moon will create disruption­s at work, difficulty with pets, and perhaps stress to your health.

 ?? STOCK.ADOBE.COM ?? Vacations can certainly teach us a lot about relationsh­ips, experts say, but they don’t necessaril­y make or break relationsh­ips on their own.
STOCK.ADOBE.COM Vacations can certainly teach us a lot about relationsh­ips, experts say, but they don’t necessaril­y make or break relationsh­ips on their own.
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