Valen­tine’s Day slid­ers? Bet­ter ask her first

White Cas­tle pro­mo­tion could land a guy in the dog­house

Chicago Sun-Times - - News -

TThe Heidi chron­i­cles

For the last week I’ve been hear­ing from read­ers who want my take on the story of re­al­ity princess Heidi Mon­tag and her 10 sur­gi­cal pro­ce­dures.

As you prob­a­bly know, Mon­tag and her doc have been all over the news, with the 23-year-old Heidi strug­gling to move her nearly-im­mo­bile face as she ex­plains why she chose to plas­ti­cize her­self.

I sup­pose you all want me to join the 99.9 per­cent of the pop­u­lace that seems ap­palled that an at­trac­tive, very young woman would have such hor­ri­ble self-es­teem that she would do this to her­self.

You prob­a­bly ex­pect me to say some­thing like: They were go­ing to en­large her brain as well, but they couldn’t find it.

Or: Heidi has an­other surgery sched­uled next week. They’re go­ing to re­move her head from her ass.

Or: If she wants a big­ger boob size, why doesn’t she tell Spencer to gain weight. Ba-dum-bum. But I’m not go­ing to do that, be­cause I don’t think Heidi has gone nearly far enough with the sur­gi­cal makeover.

Heidi, Na’vi. Na’vi, Heidi.

he sign at the White Cas­tle at 79th and Stony Is­land says it all:

MAKE YOUR VALEN­TINE’S RESER­VA­TIONS TO­DAY I love it. Like most men (and more than a few women), I have al­ways re­sented Valen­tine’s Day be­cause it is noth­ing more than com­mer­cial­ized ex­tor­tion. But given how crowded the restau­rants are on Feb. 14 and given how many flower de­liv­er­ies are sched­uled for that date, there’s no deny­ing that mil­lions of Amer­i­cans en­gage in ro­man­tic rit­u­als on Feb. 14, whether they want to or not. En­ter the slider. A num­ber of White Cas­tles across the coun­try of­fer Valen­tine’s Day spe­cials that in­clude a can­dlelit din­ner in a spe­cially dec­o­rated sec­tion, a pa­per menu and ta­ble­side ser­vice. (Alas, no bath­room at­ten­dant on duty.)

I’m told some White Cas­tles are al­ready sold out for V-Day. A num­ber of cou­ples re­turn ev­ery year.

It’s a clever pro­mo­tion — but a word of cau­tion to any guy who’s think­ing of do­ing this: Clear it with the sig­nif­i­cant other. If you spring it on her at the last minute when she’s all dressed up for a ro­man­tic din­ner, you might be spending Feb. 15 scram­bling to win her back.

If you want to change the way you look un­til you’re un­rec­og­niz­able, then GO FOR IT, girl!

If Ms. Mon­tag re­ally wants to make a state­ment about outer beauty trump­ing su­per­fi­cial things like heart, soul and char­ac­ter, if she re­ally wants to dis­tin­guish her­self from all the other Botoxed, boob-in­jected, bot­tled-blonde bim­bos in Hol­ly­wood, she has to go be­yond the tra­di­tional “hu­man” look and make some truly rev­o­lu­tion­ary changes.

Dye the skin blue. Have a work­ing tail sur­gi­cally at­tached to your heinie. Un­dergo a se­ries of painful but worth­while ex­per­i­men­tal pro­ce­dures that will elon­gate your torso, change the en­tire shape of your face and re­shape your eyes.

Get the nose flat­tened. Have the ears en­larged and make them pointy. Get long braids. Em­bed sparkling, di­a­mond­like sprin­kles right into your face.

That’s right, you know where I’m go­ing with this: Heidi should go for the Full Na’vi. Be the first hu­man to re­sem­ble one of those beau­ti­ful crea­tures from Pan­dora!

By merely try­ing to look like the next wannabe-star­let on “The Girls Next Door,” Heidi isn’t rais­ing the bar enough. Any­one with enough money and enough self-loathing can find some con­science­free sur­geon to carve her up and give her car­toon­ishly over­sized breasts. But it would take a true vi­sion­ary to go blue.

I can see the in­ter­view with Billy Bush now: “So Heidi, now that you’ve at­tained the Na’vi look, have you be­gun to learn their lan­guage, and if so, is Spencer go­ing to learn it as well?”

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