Valentine’s Day sliders? Better ask her first
White Castle promotion could land a guy in the doghouse
TThe Heidi chronicles
For the last week I’ve been hearing from readers who want my take on the story of reality princess Heidi Montag and her 10 surgical procedures.
As you probably know, Montag and her doc have been all over the news, with the 23-year-old Heidi struggling to move her nearly-immobile face as she explains why she chose to plasticize herself.
I suppose you all want me to join the 99.9 percent of the populace that seems appalled that an attractive, very young woman would have such horrible self-esteem that she would do this to herself.
You probably expect me to say something like: They were going to enlarge her brain as well, but they couldn’t find it.
Or: Heidi has another surgery scheduled next week. They’re going to remove her head from her ass.
Or: If she wants a bigger boob size, why doesn’t she tell Spencer to gain weight. Ba-dum-bum. But I’m not going to do that, because I don’t think Heidi has gone nearly far enough with the surgical makeover.
Heidi, Na’vi. Na’vi, Heidi.
he sign at the White Castle at 79th and Stony Island says it all:
MAKE YOUR VALENTINE’S RESERVATIONS TODAY I love it. Like most men (and more than a few women), I have always resented Valentine’s Day because it is nothing more than commercialized extortion. But given how crowded the restaurants are on Feb. 14 and given how many flower deliveries are scheduled for that date, there’s no denying that millions of Americans engage in romantic rituals on Feb. 14, whether they want to or not. Enter the slider. A number of White Castles across the country offer Valentine’s Day specials that include a candlelit dinner in a specially decorated section, a paper menu and tableside service. (Alas, no bathroom attendant on duty.)
I’m told some White Castles are already sold out for V-Day. A number of couples return every year.
It’s a clever promotion — but a word of caution to any guy who’s thinking of doing this: Clear it with the significant other. If you spring it on her at the last minute when she’s all dressed up for a romantic dinner, you might be spending Feb. 15 scrambling to win her back.
If you want to change the way you look until you’re unrecognizable, then GO FOR IT, girl!
If Ms. Montag really wants to make a statement about outer beauty trumping superficial things like heart, soul and character, if she really wants to distinguish herself from all the other Botoxed, boob-injected, bottled-blonde bimbos in Hollywood, she has to go beyond the traditional “human” look and make some truly revolutionary changes.
Dye the skin blue. Have a working tail surgically attached to your heinie. Undergo a series of painful but worthwhile experimental procedures that will elongate your torso, change the entire shape of your face and reshape your eyes.
Get the nose flattened. Have the ears enlarged and make them pointy. Get long braids. Embed sparkling, diamondlike sprinkles right into your face.
That’s right, you know where I’m going with this: Heidi should go for the Full Na’vi. Be the first human to resemble one of those beautiful creatures from Pandora!
By merely trying to look like the next wannabe-starlet on “The Girls Next Door,” Heidi isn’t raising the bar enough. Anyone with enough money and enough self-loathing can find some consciencefree surgeon to carve her up and give her cartoonishly oversized breasts. But it would take a true visionary to go blue.
I can see the interview with Billy Bush now: “So Heidi, now that you’ve attained the Na’vi look, have you begun to learn their language, and if so, is Spencer going to learn it as well?”