Catch-22 for in­ex­pe­ri­enced guys

TALES FROM THE FRONT ‘Nice guy’ wants re­spect; won’t go for one-night stand

Chicago Sun-Times - - Showcase - BY CH­ERYL LAVIN

Sev­eral weeks ago, I turned the col­umn over to Josh be­cause I thought he had such prac­ti­cal ad­vice for men who didn’t know how to han­dle them­selves around women. The ones who were al­ways be­ing told they were nice guys, but never con­sid­ered re­la­tion­ship ma­te­rial.

Josh’s ad­vice ranged from do­ing what it takes to make your­self more phys­i­cally at­trac­tive to “look for women based on their per­son­al­i­ties, not their ap­pear­ance. That way, hope­fully you’ll find some­one you’re comfortabl­e with.”

Then he had some very spe­cific ways on how to “morph from the nice guy into the re­la­tion­ship guy.”

And fi­nally: “Don’t get dis­cour­aged. If it takes 10 bad dates for one great one, then it’s all worth it. Ev­ery date will help build your skills.”

Well, here’s Char­lie, who says none of that ad­vice could ever work for him:

Josh says you need to meet women to have a chance of hav­ing sex with them. It sounds like he’s putting sex ahead of a re­la­tion­ship. His ad­vice sounded like a how-to guide to get­ting a woman into bed.

Josh sug­gests flirt­ing. I don’t know what that is or how to do it. Un­like him, I’m not a smooth-talk­ing, charm-thep­ants-off-of-a-woman type of guy. I can’t make moves just to try to have sex. My feel­ings come from the heart, not down be­low.

Josh talks about fig­ur­ing out if a woman likes you. How do you know if she likes you? How do you know if she would not be of­fended if you touched her back or shoul­der? If I touched her, she’d think I was just try­ing to get her into bed.

He sug­gests start­ing with a hug. How do you know if she even wants a hug? If she doesn’t want a hug and I try to hug her, I might get punched in the face or worse.

It sounds like Josh was a foot­ball player in high school or col­lege. His ex­pe­ri­ences with women are a lot dif­fer­ent from that of the av­er­age guy. He’s on a dif­fer­ent play­ing field, and can never un­der­stand what the rest of us guys go through.

When you’re a younger guy, most women are will­ing to teach a guy what’s up. When you passed 40, women find a prob­lem with that. There was the movie “The 40-Year Old Vir­gin.” All the women I’ve talked with said that the movie was funny and en­joy­able, but the re­al­ity of it was B.S. No woman in her right mind would ever get with a vir­gin over 40.

I can’t play women just so I can ex­pe­ri­ence sex. I’ve never used, abused or tried to take ad­van­tage of a woman — and if that makes me a nice guy, then so be it. Re­spect comes first. Play­ing games with some­one’s heart is not an op­tion.

I wish there were some­one out there who could train me, but I’ve passed the ac­cept­able age for that to hap­pen. Be­sides, I couldn’t do the one-night-stand thing or any­thing like that.

Most of us guys need a lit­tle help, guid­ance and un­der­stand­ing. What we don’t need is to be laughed at or yelled at or hated for not know­ing what we’re do­ing.

It’s kind of a Catch-22 thing. You can’t have sex if you haven’t had ex­pe­ri­ence, and you can’t get ex­pe­ri­ence if you haven’t had sex.

Valen­tine’s Day. Hate it? Love it? Or just wish it would go away? Send your tale to cheryllavi­ Check out my blog at www.tales­fromthe­ Dis­trib­uted by Creators Syn­di­cate.

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