Customer service

After purchase, customers may require assistance with their PerSpectives devices for any number of reasons. Refer to this manual of standard company protocol when addressing common issues:

If a valued customer appears frustrated because the device has stopped responding:

Establish an emotional connection by beginning to weep quietly. Cover your face in your hands, shake your head, and repeatedly say, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” until valued customer hands you a tissue and invites you over for Sunday dinner. Decline dinner invitation, unless they are serving some sort of small expensive bird.

If valued customer has dropped the device in the toilet:

Politely ask about the events that led to the device’s crash. Had the customer noticed signs of trouble prior to the incident? Does valued customer use toilets often? Perhaps too often? Be thorough with your investigation. Where was customer born? On a scale of 1 to 10, how distant was customer’s father?

If valued customer has run over the device with a motor vehicle:

Ask customer to recreate scene with a complimentary device, courtesy of the store. Determine if customer is eligible for insurance policy. Remind customer of the dangers of texting with device while running device over with a motor vehicle.

If valued customer has lost the device at an outdoor music festival:

Determine if you, too, attended said music festival. It can be such a small world! Stop dawdling. Outline insurance policy. If customer appears displeased with benefits, reword insurance policy to sound like a more fun insurance policy. Should softened language prove ineffective, offer to accompany valued customer to a goat farm on Cyprus. There, you both can free yourself of modern technology’s shackles and live a life of quiet boredom.