Something’s got to give
Tired of looking for love, this woman’s ready to throw in the towel
Dear Jenny,
I was married for more than 10 years, which was followed by a 12year relationship. But now I’m just kind of burnt out and tired when it comes to men. It seems like the ones I meet never want to give any effort to making things work. Do you think that a woman like me, still attractive and middle aged, should just give up on relationships? I kind of have already.
— Trisa from California
Jenny says: You are not alone. There’s no need to throw in the towel just yet, but taking a step back from the dating world can be helpful, especially if you’re feeling worn out and frustrated. A hiatus will allow you to re-evaluate what you want and need from a partner.
As you know, there are two types of people in the world: givers and takers. Givers, like yourself, are always looking for ways to help, support and give to their partners. They’re generous, kind and supportive. Takers, on the other hand, suck as much as they can from their partners. When a relationship involves both types of people, anger and resentment start to build. The giver starts to feel used and the taker becomes frustrated that their partner has lost their independence. Unfortunately, it sounds like your pattern is being the giver in your relationships.
The good news is that you have identified what makes you unhappy. Now, you need to take respon- sibility for your part in your failed relationships. When you’re not feeling introspective, spend time with friends, channel your energy into work, find a new hobby, take a vacation — do things that make you feel good about yourself. Develop your own interests and activities.
This opportunity will help you return to the dating fold with a different attitude and renewed outlook. And when you find yourself dating again, be realistic about the natural ebb and flow of the relationship. For the most part, it should be balanced, but there will be times when one person gives more than the other. Just don’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of or put your own happiness on hold. One of the most difficult things for a giver to do is to learn how and when to say “no.” While you are single, practice saying no to friends, colleagues and family. It’s OK to be selfish sometimes. In fact, it may save you from another failed relationship.