Uh, tell me something I don’t know
Arecently released scientific study — based on 20 years of Major League Baseball games — concluded players don’t play as well after long flights.
Yes, they studied data for 46,535 games between 1992 and 2011 to tell us that, when jet- lagged, teams don’t win as often and players’ work suffers!
I normally would say, ‘‘ Duh,’’ except I just stepped off a New York- to- Los Angeles flight and I’m too tired to type ‘‘ Duh.’’
Repeat: Jet lag decreases a team’s chances of winning. Stop the presses, if there are still presses out there. ( If there aren’t, then hold the iPhone.)
In a related study, it was determined that teams traveling coast- to- coat by Greyhound bus lose more often because they don’t get to games in time.
The results of the not-quite-groundbreaking study were published in January by the National Academy of Sciences, a nonprofit organization of the leading researchers in the country.
The National Academy of Sciences should morph into the National Academy of the Obvious, then it could release the following findings:
The Harry Potter books get their name from the main character.
Milk spoils faster when left out. 2+ 2= 4. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Jet lag occurs when we travel across time zones, screwing up our internal clock. Symptoms include fatigue, mood changes, gastronomical disturbance and impaired judgment in deciding what scientific studies to undertake.
Anyway, teams traveling west to east at least two time zones apparently hit more double- play ground balls, and home teams give up more triples after traveling two time zones east to west.
Here’s an actual excerpt from the study:
‘‘ We performed a multivariate linear regression analysis, including home- and away- team jet- lag variables considering travel direction [ greater than or equal to two or more time zones with one time zone/ day adjustment] and home- and away- team variables, to determine whether away- or home- team jet lag contributed to performance independent of each other and team.’’
Wow. It reads like ‘‘ The Magnificent Ambersons,’’ minus the Ambersons.
But my favorite passage was this one: ‘‘ We determined the effects of the change in home runs due to jet lag on slugging percentage and runs allowed. As a home run results in four total bases, an increase of 0.107 and 0.073 home runs per game [ for home and away eastward jet lag, respectively] would result in an increase of 0.428 and 0.292 total bases per game or an increase of 0.012 and 0.009 in slugging percentage that approximates the 0.010 and 0.009 we observed.’’
Obviously.
My second- favorite passage: ‘‘ Doubles can explain much of the aggregate effects of jet lag.’’
The lead scientist on this project was Northwestern neurobiologist Ravi Allada. Ben Edwards, a chronobiologist who studies circadian rhythms at Liverpool John Moores University in England, told Science magazine the data ‘‘ adds positively’’ to the current literature.
( Chicks might dig the long ball, but neurobiologists get all the great women. And neurobiologists might get all the great women, but chronobiologists who study circadian rhythms get all the really great women who also can change a flat tire.)
Allada said one of the most surprising findings was that home teams were affected by jet lag as much as away teams.
Really? Why wouldn’t a home team suffer diminished capacity if it just flew through three time zones? When I get back from a coast- to- coast trip, all I want to do is sleep and poop. My ‘‘ home- court advantage’’ is further lessened by the fact that Toni immediately insists I do household chores, like taking my dirty dishes to the sink after she cooks for me.
By the way, how do flight delays affect players? How about bad in- flight movies? Or flying in the middle seat of a Spirit Airlines flight?
Plus, this study ignores perhaps the biggest metric of on- field performance: Wearing a Padres uniform.
Ask The Slouch
Q. During an NCAA tournament game, Steve Lavin commented on a swished threepointer with ‘‘ Share the sugarbottoms!’’ My daughter asked, ‘‘ What does that even mean?’’ A little help, please? ( Tim Beach, Edgewater, Maryland)
A. I have a call in to Clark Kellogg.
Q. When Dick Vitale is having relations with his wife, how long does he last until he brings up Duke basketball? ( Graham King, Washington) A. Pay the man, Shirley. Q. If Indiana University did not want to denigrate Assembly Hall with an NIT game, I no longer will allow my mother- inlaw to denigrate my home. ( Jim O’Brien, Racine, Wisconsin)
A. Pay this sage soul, too.
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