Why is she asked about ‘real’ name?
Dear Amy: I am a foreign-born U.S. citizen from Hong Kong, a formerly British colony for more than a century. I have lived in the U.S. for over 40 years.
It is common for people in Hong Kong to use a Western name and our Chinese name together. Occasionally strangers in the U.S. ask me if “Lily Wong” is my “real” name. It is on my British passport, U.S. passport, global entry card, driver’s license, property deed and so on.
I feel discriminated against because I have an Asian face and accent and they want to point out the obvious — that I am not born here. I think corporations should include sensitivity training to educate employees not to ask if someone’s name is a “real” name — to point out the obvious that I am not born here.
— Upset Citizen
Dear Upset: People ask all sorts of insensitive questions, not always because they are trying to discriminate, upset you or point out your “otherness,” but because they are curious — or clueless — or a combination of both.
I agree that corporations should include sensitivity training so people would realize that what sounds like a benign question (“Is that your real name?”) has the opposite effect from what they might intend. Asking a person from Cleveland who has an American accent, “Where are you from?” is perceived very differently from when it is asked of you. An American-born or “American-looking” (whatever that is) person might see this as a normal ice-breaker. You see it as an indication that the person doesn’t think you belong here. You might be wrong about that or overly sensitive regarding these questions, but people should be aware of how such questions come across.
I have a Chinese daughter and other Asian family members who also report frequent comments or questions designed to highlight their otherness, such as, “What are you?” or “Where are you really from?” Occasionally the people asking these questions are also Asian.
But let’s just stipulate that asking a fellow human being, “What are you?” is offensive. One way to respond to a question you don’t feel like answering is to turn it back on the questioner. If asked, “Is that your real name?” you could answer, “Why are you asking?” Depending on the response, you could simply say, “Yes, it is my real name.”
I hope you will see the movie “Crazy Rich Asians.” This runaway American hit with an all-Asian cast explores, exploits and explodes these stereotypes.
Dear Amy: About two years ago my husband was found searching online for porn. He even went to the extent of chatting with a lady or two online. After intense counseling for eight months, we seemed to work it all through. We have been married for 35 years.
A few days ago, he was helping our son shop for a motorcycle online. My son told me that he came across a website that had motorcycles but also had women — nearly nude — posing with them. My husband told me he stumbled upon this site but got out of it immediately.
I wondered whether I should believe him but then felt guilty about my reaction. I want to trust him, but it is hard. I’m not sure what to do.
— Roller-Coaster Wife
Dear Wife: It is not surprising that your husband stumbled upon a website featuring motorcycles and nearly nude women. Searching for either of these things would undoubtedly turn up both. Your husband did the absolute right thing. He disclosed this to you immediately.
You have to learn to trust him. Trust is built every day in many ways. If you react with anger now, you will discourage him from being honest and transparent in the future. This is hard work. He’s done his part, and now you must do yours.
Dear Amy: Please remind wedding guests to please stick to the bridal registry. Post-wedding, I am still buying things I needed (and had on my registry) and returning things I don’t need and already own (that were not on my registry).
— Frustrated Mrs.
Dear Frustrated: I’d also like to remind entitled brides to be grateful for all their gifts, no matter where they come from.
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