Left out at lunch? Speak up and do something about it
Miss Manners
Dear Miss Manners: I work at a small company. Ten folks in my office: seven men and three women. Daily, when lunchtime approaches, the men (including our boss) pop into various offices saying, “Who wants to go to lunch today?” — ALWAYS excluding the female co-workers.
I find this practice sexist and want to scream from the treetops! Am I being too emotional in being so offended by this practice, or should I speak up?
Gentle reader: Are you seriously telling Miss Manners that the women are sitting around waiting for the men to invite them out? Of course you should speak up. Not to berate your colleagues, but to ask them who wants to go to lunch.
Dear Miss Manners: How do you deal with people who come up and start gushing away, while you are standing there, thinking, “Who in the world are you?”
I am a veteran teacher, and most of the time, it is a student or maybe a parent from 20 or 30 years ago. Sorry, but I don’t remember them all, and even if I do remember the kid, the overweight adult who is talking bears little resemblance.
Gentle reader: But you loom large in their eyes, and it would be sad to disillusion them.
Miss Manners’ own dear mother was a teacher who addressed this problem in a bizarre way. Observing, over decades of teaching, that given names run in fashions, she would assess the age of the former student and apply that era’s most common name.
Thus, once faced with the parent of a student from what she remembered as the “Stephen and Michael” period, she asked charmingly (she thought), “And how is Stephen now?”
“You mean Michael,” the parent replied coldly.
Miss Manners does not therefore recommend this approach.
Another of her mother’s attempts would be to say, “Didn’t you go by a nickname?” in the hope of receiving a reply such as, “No, I’ve always been Zachery. Not many people called me Zach.”
Of course, they could say, “Well, as you see, no one can call me Fatty any longer.” To which you would reply, “Do people address you formally now?” getting a response of, “No, they just call me Kevin.”
Dear Miss Manners: Invitations to my grandson’s wedding were sent out a few weeks ago. The envelope contained two invites and an RSVP card. One invite requested our presence at the wedding reception at 6:30 p.m. The other, in a small, open envelope, said “CEREMONY: please join us at 5 p.m.” Same place, same day. The RSVP card, which I already handed to the bride-to-be last week, asked if we were attending, and how many.
I had assumed that all who received invitations, received “all” the invitations. I just found out the other day that many did not receive the one to the ceremony.
Is this something new? Some guests are invited to the ceremony — same day, same place — and some have to wait around and just attend the reception?
When I discovered this just the other day, I learned that my other son was not invited to the ceremony, even though he and my daughter-in-law are paying to fly in to attend the wedding.
Gentle reader: You are a young grandmother, Miss Manners gathers. And thus you do not remember that, far from being a new custom, this is an old one that has been abandoned for sensible reasons.
Before most weddings were the huge pageants they are today, it was not considered offensive to hold a small wedding ceremony and invite guests only to the reception. Or even to invite people to the ceremony, but not the reception. The guests lived in town, and were not devoting their entire day, much less vacation time, to the event.
But now so much more is expected of wedding guests in the way of time, money and travel that excluding them from the ceremony, which could involve stranding them in a strange town, seems insulting.
Dear Miss Manners: In an effort to be a “true gentleman,” shouldn’t a man open the door for all ladies in his presence, be it the car door or any other door?
Gentle reader: Yes, but good luck getting to the car door before the lady hops out.
Miss Manners guesses that a scarcity of gentlemen has taught ladies to fend for themselves — or spend the evening in the parking lot.
To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to miss manners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.