Do you really think GOP cares about pre-existing conditions?
You can absolutely trust that Republican lawmakers DO NOT want to let insurers deny health coverage on the basis of pre-existing conditions! (Please look over here at this shiny bauble. Gaze at it for hours.)
Republicans have taken no steps to remove the pre-existing condition protections that became law under the Affordable Care Act. (Please do not look at the lawsuit filed by 20 Republican state attorneys general and the governors of Maine and Mississippi. DO NOT look at that lawsuit, which seeks to do away with the Affordable Care Act’s pre-existing condition protections. (LOOK AT THE SHINY BAUBLE! DO IT NOW!)
There is nothing that Republicans care about more than making sure all Americans have access to health care and aren’t discriminated against by insurers on the basis of preexisting health conditions. (This is false. Please ignore it. LOOK! THERE’S ANOTHER SHINY BAUBLE! THAT MAKES TWO!)
You should trust the Republicans. (Please keep staring at the shiny objects.)
No less than President Donald Trump has promised that pre-existing condition protections — which are the most popular part of the Affordable Care Act, also known as Obamacare — are sacrosanct. (He doesn’t know what that words means. Keep your gaze fixed on the bauble. It’s sparkling now.)
On Thursday, Trump tweeted: “All Republicans support people with preexisting conditions, and if they don’t, they will after I speak to them. I am in total support.” (Please do not look at the letter Attorney General Jeff Sessions sent to House Speaker Paul Ryan announcing that the Justice Department would not defend Obamacare’s protections for people with pre-existing conditions. LOOK AWAY! THERE ARE BAUBLES TO SEE! THEY ARE SO SHINY!)
Trump is “in total support” of people with preexisting conditions. (WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Why are you looking at the part of Sessions’ letter to Ryan that says the decision not to defend Obamacare’s preexisting condition protections was made “with the approval of the President of the United States?” Stop looking at that. Look over here; now there’s a puppy playing with the shiny baubles. LOOK AT THAT ADORABLE PUPPY!)
Everything’s going to be fine as long as you put your trust in Republicans. (You won’t believe what that cute puppy is doing now! LOOK AT HIM!)
Even if pre-existing condition protections are eliminated (and they DEFINITELY WON’T BE. Look at the puppy, please), Trump and his party have an excellent alternative health care plan that would never take Americans back to the days when outrageously high premiums made people with certain health conditions uninsurable. (YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS! That puppy now has both baubles in his mouth, AND he’s chasing his tail. You have got to watch this instead of looking for that GOP health care plan that doesn’t exist.)
Don’t think for a moment that the president of the United States and all of these Republicans are lying to you in advance of the midterm elections. (WHO’S A GOOD DOG?! Oh now he’s batting the baubles with his paws!)
It’s not like they have flatly stated that they will try again to repeal Obamacare and all its various consumer protections next year. (Don’t try to Google Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s recent interview with Reuters in which he said of Obamacare: “If we had the votes to completely start over, we’d do it.” Why would you want to look at something like that when you can watch this adorable … oh, no. It appears a caravan of Central American migrants fleeing violence are coming this way!)
Besides, if you don’t use Obamacare, you’ve got nothing to worry about anyway, right? (You would be wasting your time if you looked up the fact that the Affordable Care Act prevents all insurance plans, including employer-provided plans, from denying or charging more for coverage of people with preexisting conditions. What you should really be paying attention to right now is that caravan of migrants, because they’re probably going to attack that sweet puppy, who has been playing with the shiny baubles.)
Everything is going to be fine. (It’s not. Millions of people could lose insurance or see their costs go through the roof. THAT CARAVAN OF WOMEN AND CHILDREN FLEEING VIOLENCE AND HOPING FOR A BETTER LIFE IS ATTACKING THE PUPPY! DEAR GOD, WILL YOU LOOK AT WHAT’S HAPPENING? WHERE ARE YOUR PRIORITIES?!)
Don’t worry. (Worry. Oh, and look. The migrants just stopped to pet the puppy. They actually seem quite nice. Now please get back to staring at the puppy and the shiny baubles. Just focus on that until after Nov. 6 and everything will be A-OK.)